If I could, I might

Sometimes I look through old pictures. It's like drinking a 32 ounce bottle of whisky, where it hurts and somehow makes things better. I used to pretend that I didn't want to change a thing, like the scars that I endured were my badge of pride and I'd wear them proudly 'til judgment day. I lie every time.
There are countless things I wished I'd done differently. I love my life at present, I really do. I've been more blessed than I would have ever thought possible, but I just wished I could have arrived here less...dirty. Sometimes I feel gross, like I'm covered in some kind of film of self sabotage and angst. I wish I knew then what I know now, isn't that the saying?

I didn't know how angry I was. I thought I was some kind of vaccination for anger, like it would flee at the sight of me. Turns out I just expressed it differently. Like some kind of sarcastic vitriol that I would spew as a toxic venom when I didn't understand my own emotions. All the people I knew, no matter how terrible they were, didn't deserve that. I realize now I was just trying to figure out how a child deals with adult things. I think I found myself dealing with issues two years too early. Like maturity had just barely missed the deadline, and all I could do was use my limited tool box to smash the hell out of some screw with a hammer. People were nice to me, shoot, some people were practically saints. I couldn't realize it at the time because I was so bitter, and that bitterness made me do things that I'll never get to take back. I wish I could say I'm sorry, I wish I could apologize to everyone I wronged and take back the bad taste I put in their mouth. I realize now how impossible it is, but sometimes we want the impossible.


I look at where I am now, still an amalgam of disjointed emotions and reactions. I'm far better off than I deserve, but I'm terrified that somewhere deep inside of me is that vindictive child just trying to retaliate at windmills. He comes out, every now and again, rearing his ugly head and screwing everything up. I thought we made peace, but he just went to time out waiting until I'm feeling hostile again. Fortunately he doesn't hold the wheel anymore, but there were times. There were times too long, times where it was consuming, times where it festered deep inside and burrowed it's way out. I still don't think I know how to deal with it, but it's less frequent, suppressed.


The fact that stings the most, is that I could have done so much more.


My work now helps people, maybe an atonement or maybe just a belief that other kids shouldn't have to deal with all the garbage I went through. I always find myself telling parents to emphasize impulse control and emotional regulation. Dealing with depression, and not allowing one's self to burn out. Maybe one day I'll listen to myself. But every day I'm reminded of the bridges I burn, of the cities I razed, and the ties that I've cut. I convinced myself they were toxic, only to realize that I was the most potent of all poisons. Now I can't even tell what's fact or fiction. Where do you start when you have three decades of grief? Do you let it go? Or do you start anew on the ashes of the fallen?

Is this my legacy? My legacy in a tea cup.

Ow! My back!

Getting old is a weird thing. I'm just speaking from experience, so maybe it's different for other people, but getting old for me is about being tired AT ALL TIMES. Don't misunderstand, I usually do it to myself, but when you're young pulling all nighters, eating crappy food, and working out all the time is pretty easy to bounce back from. Now? Now I'm in a perpetual state of pain that always seems to say "You REALLY shouldn't have done that.

I like pain. Pain is a constant reminder that I'm still alive, my body still works, and that if something is wrong, I need to fix it. Pain is the body's way of telling you that what you're doing is probably wrong, temporary pain tells you that you may be getting stronger, long lasting pain may tell you that something is getting weaker. It is the way our bodies communicate with us. My favorite thing about getting old is that I feel like I've actually got a reasonable knowledge base. I could rattle off some kind of random word of advice to someone, but without experience, without truly suffering through the pain of learning that story, it lacks gravitas. This isn't to say that you can't give good advice to someone without experience, that's just not true. But the ability to testify to something because you've been a victim of it is much more powerful, though this too has it's limitations. Some would like to believe "Ah! I've been through this, so I know better than you," but often it isn't about what they experienced, but how it changed them. I'll use the example of having kids

When you're married and you bring up kids, you get a very different reaction depending on who you talk to about it. If you meet those parents that love their kids, they'll immediately say some kind of "Kids are hard work, but it's sooo worth it." And then when you have those parents (or anyone, really) that's had a bad experience with kids they will immediately, and very adamantly I might add, let you know that they kids are a curse, a blight on society, and they're just little monsters. So what does this say to you? To me, it says that everyone comes out of the same experience in a different way, but it goes back to what I'm always talking about; expectations.

Some people go into having kids thinking "this is gonna be great, they're so cute, and they're fun, and they're gonna love me, and they're going to make me so happy!!" These people? They're the miserable ones. You see, when you understand what the purpose of things are, you appreciate them in a different light, much similar to the example I gave about pain. If you understand that the purpose of children is to be excited about people seeing things for the first time, to bring a life into this world with the intention of giving them the best shot at this crazy place called living, you stop expecting kids to gratify you, and instead rejoice in their ability to grow, learn, and mature through their various experiences. Children aren't little monsters, they're children. They're just trying to figure things out the best they can with what they're given. Do you remember being that young? Do you remember just wanting to know what the best way to survive was? I would have loved for someone to sit me down, and let me know "Hey kid, it's gonna be alright, you're gonna make mistakes, you're gonna learn a lot, and that's okay. The purpose of life is to grow, to change, and to learn, and if you're not doing that, you're not living." Just that simple basic outline of why I was here would have dramatically changed my perception, my decisions, and my accomplishments. Now I know, and I can look back in fondness on everything I've done. I was a dork, I was a loser, I was a fatty, I was an emo, and I was flamboyant, but I was okay. Don't forget your purpose, and if you don't know your purpose, find a good one. The world might be getting darker, but that just makes the light stand out more. I'm feeling old, but I'm still drinking this philosophy in a tea cup.

Hello, old friend

It's been a while, a long while if I'm counting correctly. Over a year has passed and everything is different, yet everything's the same. There's a feeling I get every year around this time, it's a feeling of home. This feeling that everything that was should be, and everything that is once was. Not everyone is blessed with a great childhood, and I by no means had it perfect, but there were times, so many times that things just felt right. As we grow, our minds are compiling all this information, figuring out where to put it, and then hoping we can move on with everything that's happened. Sometimes we block a few things out, and other times we try so hard to hang on to it, like the sliding dew on a morning windshield. The truth is we just aren't built to remember everything, but if we can make our now as good as the then, it just might be possible to feel those moments, those small and brief fragments in time, that bring us closer to something that could be called peace. Fall always brings this to mind.

I'm far from what I call home. Home is where you feel excited to wake up, glad to be moving, and motivated to get things done. I haven't been home in a long time. Every day becomes a drudge of walking around, monotonously repeating everything you've said a million times before, not even attempting to add inflection, with your hands hanging at your sides as you walk through another hum drum day feeling mediocre, being mediocre. It's the "young adult" phase of life. We're called young adults, because adults are old, and established, but I feel like most of us are "young adults" until we hit our mid to late thirties. It's not about age, it's about being established. The world we live in is so full of broken dreams, lost ideals, and compromises, and because of this, we just don't have anywhere to put our foot down, because if we ever tried, it would surely slip. But if I can hang on to that one moment, that one idea, that one memory of those Autumn days, where the leaves were red, the sky was gray, and the soft pitter patter and petrichor from scented summer passing can get you through that disequilibrium. Maybe you can find peace in the two hours of your twenty four, but meditate, reflect, reminisce, and remember that you are something different. You are not lost in a crowd, but you are part of something great. Be magnificent, do magnificent things, and every day will have a small reward. If you spend your time wisely, the other time that's already spent will be a blessing. Go home, lay down on your carpet, listen to some rainfall, and close your eyes. A moment can feel like a lifetime. This is my philosophy in a tea cup.

Outside You

Once again, I've managed to go a considerable amount of time without posting on here, so this is my kind of "welcome back" revival post. A lot can happen in a short amount of time; the interesting thing about the future is that you have very little experience in the matter, and if I'm expressing my honest candor, trying to plan for it is borderline inefficacious seeing as anything can and often will happen. But the most important changes that we make in our lives don't typically come from geographical location, monetary gain, or social circumstances, but more from the internal monologues we carry with ourselves. We have an opportunity every day to change something internal without others having to see it. Keeping our thoughts discrete within our own minds instead of parading it around like a new peacock feathered coat gives us character, it teaches us to treasure the things that are ours and not flaunt the fact that we've come to some grand conclusion solving the mysteries of social constructs and how to manipulate people into liking us.
We are growing up in a society where communication is only a means to an end, it has become a tool to get what we want with no virtue or sincerity in itself. But most of our problems in this little civilization don't come from the want to cause problems, in fact, we are often ignorant to what we have created, like the runoff of some societal evolution shaping up to be it's own self demoralizing sludge that pervades every crevice of our compassion. We limit ourselves with how much we can achieve by not only prioritizing, but dedicating our actions to a singular purpose, excluding all other positive effects of what we do because the positive effects only become dregs of our all consuming purpose. We make the sincerity, the compassion, the overall concern for our compatriots become superfluous to the grand scheme that has become our mandatory and exclusive cause for personal promotion. By this I infer that we have drifted from a society of mutually beneficial relationships for the sake of joy, safety, and security, and instead demote our actions to that of perpetuating selfish singular success, bolstering our own egocentric endeavors, and collaborating only because we are bound by our own frail existence to depend on others. One should not be surprised that in theory, if man did not require the help of others he would have no interactions with those that surround because of it's lack of necessity in their own undertakings. Prudence is only valid as it facilitates our comfort in this life, and therefore would be scoffed at and discredited should the mandate be removed. All things arbitrary for those living by their own means for their own means. But this mentality, this lifestyle is one of digression. As we replace the once tacit agreement of cordiality toward others for cordiality's sake, we neglect that once vivid part of our trust in others, and ruin our minds and souls with a belief that perhaps some day we can be left to our own devices, that we are somehow building up to an era of self sufficiency and independence from the shackles of our social obligations.
So, now that I've properly outlined our current dilemma, here's what I suggest; make a friend for the friend's sake, talk to someone to understand them, not to be understood, listen for the sake of letting someone be heard, interact with the opposite gender with no ulterior motive, and figure out how to remove your ego from each equation. Once we learn to again prioritize what the true purpose of our society is; to enlighten, to inspire, to embrace, then we relinquish ourselves from a hum drum society of pastel grays and we start a life of learning to be what others need, instead of turning others into what we want. If you can place another's needs before your own, you begin to understand what it means to be a forefather of a society of empathy, sympathy, and charity. Try to view the world from outside 'you'. And this is my external philosophy in a tea cup.

Letting

There's been a lot going on in the world recently. So much good and bad that it's harder to keep up as time goes on. I don't necessarily sense that things have gotten better or worse, just more open and in your face. It's impossible to be ignorant these days. With all the new atrocities we see our species commit, one can't help but feel discouraged and hopeless. Not too long ago you would have secrets, news, and knowledge that perhaps people wanted to know, or didn't. Now all the information you could ever need is crammed into your brain in the flash of an instant; everything we wanted to know, and even more of what we didn't. I think this makes things harder to let go, to leave alone even. There is such a web that strings us all together on this Earth that it has become a task to remove things from our lives. When I was younger, letting things go seemed easy, all you had to do was ignore it. If you didn't want to see that Benedict Arnold of a friend in your art class, you ignored them. Now things aren't as easily avoided. To let something go in this day you have to blot it out, remove it, delete it. Facebook, cell phones, e-mails, it all reminds us every day of people we know, and people we should have let go.
 Every person in our life is a tree that we nurture, slowly letting them grow, tending to them, pruning them even. Some trees grow strong and tall, some refuse to sprout, and some even attempt to shadow out the others. After time they start to grow on their own, they no longer need your care, they are self sustaining, and they will always, be there firm and steadfast. And every few years, some trees become hollow, lifeless, and a hazard; needed be to cut down. Over a few years we find we have a forest full of new and old trees. Some have their roots tied in with others, and some are fire hazards just waiting to destroy all other trees, but we keep a watchful eye and try to stop such things from happening before all our hard work is undone. The difference is that trees don't always intend to be this way. They are innocent, they are trees. People are not trees.
There are people that we will need here on Earth just as sure as we need trees. They will instill in us emotions and love and inspiration that we couldn't possibly achieve on our own. They will give us hope to grow strong and tall, to live to be something magnificent. And yet there are just as many that will only cast shadows over us, block out any light from us, and keep us from the rain we so desperately need. We look up to both families of trees. They are all wonders to behold. They are tall, beautiful, and grand. But it is grandeur and beauty that lifts some, and corrupts others. It takes work now, cutting down trees. Sometimes we may feel unsure that it is the right thing to do, and we will make mistakes. But as long as we plant new seeds for every tree we cut, our forest will grow strong and healthy, becoming a marvel to all that see it. I prefer to walk in forests of strong and noble trees. And that is letting my philosophy in a tea cup.

Crunch Time!

I have this weird personality flaw where when there're too many things to do, I choose to do none of them. It's like playing hide and go seek, and if I can't see them, they can't see me. But then I have enough self motivation that right before it becomes absolutely necessary, I finish my task. The stress becomes so much the heavier that I break down and quit my procrastination to do whatever it is I need to do. This can help and this can hinder. It's become very apparent that I work very well under pressure, and I've learned to crunch everything into small pockets of time to get things done. But in the obvious flip side, I can't manage time to save my life. With this said, I think we all grow impatient at times, wanting to do things now, have the cake before it's cooked, and be finished before they even start. I can completely understand that. I think we find shortcuts to things that are supposed to be taken slowly, and for the most part, it works out pretty well. "How can I make this quicker?" we ask ourselves, fitting as many small tasks into an hour as possible. And with this, I think we want love to happen just as fast. "But I'm doing the right things" we say. Somehow knowing what we want means that we should have it. But people aren't something you can force around. Most people need time, even if you don't.
 I really do hate this new generation of fantastic technology that can allow us to "talk" to anyone, at anytime, and in any place. The truth of it all is that no one TALKS anymore! We find abbreviations, shortcuts, paraphrases, synonyms, and even letters that are supposed to mean the same thing, but in all actuality it's no proper substitute. Really honestly, when was the last time you had a long meaningless conversation with someone? "But I have no time!" we murmur, but what happened to all that time we save by having our amazing technology? No, we have time, we just forgot how to manage it. Everything out of the blue has become so important, and yet the importance hasn't changed, only our perception OF the importance. We create this crazy world where if something goes wrong, we are the only ones that anyone can rely on. We need to feel important, and so we keep our phones on us at all times, we check our networking sites constantly, we read our emails, read our texts, read our tweets hoping and praying that maybe someone will need us, need our time, need our input, need our assistance, because we all want to be needed, even when we're unwilling to help. What happened to all those real friends you had? What happened to putting everything on hold for the people you cared about? Frankly, I've been terrible at this. The occasional text message, the 'like' on a status, the random email every two or three months. This thing we call technology has turned us into gratification seeking drones, and while we are, we can never remember how nice it was to be there for someone.
I have a friend outside of the social network. He calls me every week. We talk about his life, what he's doing, how he's doing, and his view on the whole thing, and for a brief second I feel human again. Because we aren't human anymore, we are letters on a page, we are funny emoticons, we are the distanced, and we are refuse. We are no longer unique because we can only say what the buttons and keys allow us to say. So many conversations of one word answers, hanging conversations, and impolite abandoning turn us from human to machine, because we just don't care anymore. A computer will never show love, no matter how many buttons you give it.
It just makes me sad. I sit here wondering what can be done about this new life we all live. The truth is, nothing. We are still free agents, we have choice, we have freedom, and there is no word I can type to make people understand what it is to be a true friend, to be there for someone. Those that I love, and those that I care for KNOW that I am there for them, and when they need me, or even think they need me, I am there. But that is not common, in fact it is anything but. I hope that we learn as the human species that our only true joy will come from that special and palpable connection of one on one communication. You wouldn't let someone else talk for you, so why would you let a machine do it?
Take your time. Maybe it can all be crunched into a philosophy in a tea cup.

Spilled Glasses

Every once and again, there will be a day when you wake up and everything seems to be going wrong. Things are breaking, people aren't calling, or even worse, people ARE calling, you get chastised for everything, and your self esteem seems to be lower than the I.Q. of a hockey ref. (Which, for those of you who don't keenly follow hockey, can be surprisingly low, like "I get paid disability from the government" low.) And so what does our good old psyche do on days like these? It over-compensates. That's right, mister insecurity shows up. We start to believe that restoring the equilibrium by taking to one extreme will somehow get us back to a point of balance, and we start to over-compensate. Now, my fellow homo sapiens, we all know how this ends up. It ends with us realizing that we're not going to make it anywhere with this attitude and we just have to suck it up and wait for tomorrow to come.

Bad days happen. It's a fact, and anyone who says otherwise is either an infuriating optimist, or a seller of novelty "self-help" books, and they should be hanged by the United Association of Self Knowing and Educated Downers. Yes, there is supreme merit to the idea that we are in fact in control of everything around us, but death, accidents, disease, meteorites, and depression can fall on all of us. But just because death happens, does not mean we need to cling to life, just because an accident happens, doesn't mean we shouldn't drive on the streets anymore, just because meteorites fall from the sky, doesn't mean we shouldn't go outside  anymore, and just because depression can come in the most inconvenient of times, doesn't mean we should watch endless reruns of "The Best of Oscar the Grouch." The truth is, the harder you try to hold on to water, the quicker it slips right through your hands. We dedicate so much of our time trying to BE something, trying to STOP something else, and trying to CHANGE another, that we miss the mark by hanging on too tight. Life is going to happen, it is going to happen fast, and it is going to happen regardless of our indignation. The best things we can do are: find a focus, prepare for the future, and be mindful of others. 

Focus on the things that make life easier. There are little quirks in every day, even the bad ones, that make each mishap suddenly fade from memory, there are people that we can talk to, people that we know and love that are willing to listen to our proverbial insights, pedantic pursuits and antediluvian arguments. Sometimes, we find a listener in a lost friend, maybe a familiar stranger, and more often than not, the newest person that has entered our lives. 

The only preparation we can really do for the future is to store up. Store up those good friends, store up good memories, and store up the idea that it's summer now, it will be winter, and summer will come again. Make sure your storage is full and well stocked, because someday someone may need to borrow a little bit of your hope. In that we become mindful of others. Especially in my culture, I've realized that we live off of the idea of favors. Favors have such a negative connotation now, that we think giving favors, or owing favors somehow puts us in an obligatory state to the other person, either to redeem or withdraw. But the nature of favors wasn't meant for an odious and indelible stigma. A favor was an opportunity, it was the idea that we honor and respect one another and look out for their well being, even if it meant never receiving compensation.

 We have bad days, others will have bad days, their days will happen on our days, and our days will happen on other days, but we established society to overcome the chaotic, and to let it overcome us is to make obsolete our civility. So consider how hard you are trying to be something, stop something, or change something, and perhaps rewrite your course of action. After all, if you can't grasp it in your hands, it must be placed a philosophy in a tea cup.