Back to basics

There is something so thrilling about swing dance. I really couldn't put my finger on it, but I just got done doing it for a little over two hours straight. I've gotten a lot more endurance too, I can swing that long and it really makes me impressed with myself. That isn't really hard, but I will take what I can get. Today I would like to talk about always learning something new. Life can be so much fun when you have ridiculous hobbies like repelling, origami, knitting, or in my case swing. I've always had so much fun doing swing and it has become the drug that I live for. Tonight was the first night that I was actually able to do real swing. I didn't know any of the real steps that went along with swing so I would originally just command my partner to do whatever I felt like doing. I relate this to the rest of life. It's wonderful to know all the great and complicated things that this world has to offer, but until you understand the basics, everything else losing meaning. It's so easy to want to do something amazing right off the bat, but when you learn the basic rules, everything falls into place. Whenever you find yourself confused with life, just look back and see what rules you were following and which ones you chose to ignore. They say that you can't live if you don't learn how to breath. It's what I would call the beauty of life, that the simplest things give us the most advantage. As fun as it is to impress others with your amazing advancements and stun them with how much you think you know, when you don't understand the basics everything else is, as a good friend once told me, colored bubbles. People work the same way. You can know someone's favorite place to eat, you can know someone's favorite color, you can know someone's hobbies, you can know someone's talents, but until you know why, you've got nothing but a bunch of words strung together to make a mural without a brush. Remember that basics are always the most important. Until you know the basics of others, the basics of yourself, and the basics of love, you will never know eternity. Forever loved will become a fantasy. And that is my basic philosophy in a tea cup.

You'd think so

Days seem to pass like the latest high school trends. Hammer pants, Acid wash jeans, mohawks, Spiked Hair, it's all just a passing fad. You take a look at yourself and what you looked like even five years ago and usually can't help but laugh. Now I have to ask the question. Were you happy then? I ask this because I was looking through my endless amounts of myspace and facebook pictures and saw one picture. I was smiling, she was smiling, and someone left a comment that read, "you two look so cute and so happy." I'd like to think I was happy. Pictures have a way of bringing back so many memories, one picture can recall an entire lifetime of relationships, friendships, vacations, and accomplishments. So when I look at the pictures taken of me now and I view them again, what will I say when I am asked "were you happy?" I don't know the answer to this so don't expect one. I know it's strange, but I believe it is possible to be happy or unhappy and not even know it. They say it's a choice to be happy. I believe that it is a choice to decide whether or not you WERE happy. There's always a big picture we didn't see before, a grand scheme made from Gods for man. How could we ever sum up our lives into words like happy, sad, successful, or unaccomplished. Lives are works of art, endlessly being built one upon the other, a vast array of colors and bases that would need a pallate beyond words to illustrate. I would think that this is the reason we smile in pictures. We smile to remember that we were happy, that happiness was just the action of opening our mouths and letting out an emotion that everyone could relate to. I would like to say, however, that we can tell when we faked it. We know when we look at a picture and our smile could be as warm as the sun, and yet the picture feels cold and empty. Is it something in the eyes? Something in the face as a whole? I couldn't tell you, but we've all seen it. That is when we can ask "I wasn't happy was I?" Because to truly smile, to have a smile that is sincere and heartfelt, you have to have a reason to smile, a thought that MAKES you smile. Without it, a smile becomes a cheap product with low production value. I stated before how we choose what we're worth, and this is where we make that choice. Faking happiness doesn't make anyone happy. The Bible says, "Mourn with those who mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort." There are some things in the Bible that every creed can identify with. But I don't ever recall any book of value saying "Lie to others when you're sad so that they can feel better, Push everyone away because you're having a bad day and no one understands you." That isn't how we as humans were designed. That's right, we as humans have a design, an outline to how we as everyday humans can feel happy and safe. The people that you see smiling from sun up to sun down have found that design, they smile from their head to their toes and out through the heart, you know what I'm talking about because you've seen it. Often times thoughts come into your head such as "Well what makes him so happy?" In the end, the answer is, he still has that happy thought, that memory that carries him from day to day. It's not because he has the biggest house, it's not because he has the greatest car, it's not because he's won the lottery, it's because he's fighting. He is constantly fighting to hold on to that one brief moment that made the everything ok. That one memory where he digs deep into his mind, and says with whole hearted assurance that He Was Happy! And he's holding on to that memory, holding on for dear life, not letting it go for a second. I admit that it's easier for people that have many happy memories, but I will also tell you that it is so much easier to hold on to your happy memories when you let go of your sad ones. Life will keep happening, whether you let it or not, so why not make it happen with you in it? And that is my smiling philosophy in a tea cup.

Once again, you complain about yourself

Today is a beginning, a beginning of something new. I just applied for a job today and I start work tomorrow morning. I'm hoping that I don't go insane by the time it's done, but none the less, money is money and for now I'll take what I can get. I feel like I have so little going on in my life now. I still learn things about myself every day, and today I feel like I've learned that I don't like uncertainties. I need to know what's going on to the full extent and not knowing what is going to happen in important situations in my life has really been bothering me. I panic when I realize that I have no control and I'm uninformed. I try my hardest to make decisions based on the information I've been given, but when I'm in a situation with no information it stresses me out GREATLY! On another note, I'm getting worn out from all of these people that believe that everything can return to normal. Things change, people change, that's the one constant. Why do people expect everything to stay the way they wanted it to? President Monson gave a talk about the joy of the journey. I believe in the joy of the journey very much. But I can't live with people that believe that at any given time things can just go back to where you started. People often joke about life not having a reset button, but it's true. Broken hearts don't get automatically repaired, shattered friendships don't suddenly mend, angry words can't be taken back. Why then do people assume that they can? You've decided on a path, everything you say, do, live, touch, becomes a path. Whether or not you realized it at the time is your own mistake. I've come across so many people that want their cake and to eat it too. Life doesn't work like that! I suppose each sex has their own issues, men often have commitment issues, detachment issues, inferiority complexes, and lust. But I'm starting to notice that women aren't exactly white linen sheets. They want it all. I've noticed that over time they grow out of it, but at my space in time, the women want it all, they want a good friend that they can use for emotional and physical gain, they want someone that's smart, good looking, caring, whole heartedly interested in them, working, rich, and have all the same loves and interests as them. Am I the only one that sees a problem here? Women are often disgusted by the man's desire for attractive women, but let's be honest, any woman can be attractive. If someone is willing to get themselves into shape, they can ALL be attractive, but that's really ALL that the stereotypical guy needs. You will never hear a guy say "She's great, I just wish she had a little more knowledge of Beethoven and Quantum Mechanics. Also, she's just never willing to take me out!" It's ridiculous to even consider the thought. The fact is that men are interested in women, but women are not interested in men. There was somewhere along the lines a flaw in the system. It's ok if a woman uses a man for affection, but if a man uses a woman for affection... ETERNAL DISDAIN AND REJECTION! Because we all know that a man that uses a woman for affection is evil! But if a woman uses a man for affection, she's just lonely and has been having a hard time. She "needs" someone. It is a world of constant contradiction of which I'm hoping I will be able to escape some day. Don't worry hunny, I'll be home later, you can wait up if you want. I think I'll finish my ranting and just mention that my wife? She's amazing. I hope you all understand my philosophy in a tea cup

I'm so selfish I'd give for you to belong to me

There will always be beauty in the things we miss. I suppose that would be why we miss them. But I would like to consider the fact that the more beautiful something is the more painful it becomes. I think I've allowed myself to get too attached to some things and it is really making my life harder to get on with. I think I've finally come to realize just why we were stripped of our memories of what happened before we came here. Perhaps it would have been too hard. Too hard to live in a life knowing that we were once surrounded by beauty at every turn and were now condemned to a world where beauty had to be sought after. I've also grown to consider that something that grows in beauty may make you desire it even more. Just the other day I found out that my first real girlfriend is engaged, that my most recent love interest is still treating emotions like a game of musical chairs and I just so happened to be the one who lost the chair, the girl I fell hardest for remains insincere, and my first real love affair is coming out for a weekend somewhere down the road. It's been a bizarre series of events and needless to say I'm tragically confused! If I were to be completely honest I would say that I'm upset because all the girls I've liked have turned out to be so amazingly beautiful and yet so amazingly out of reach. The most painful kind of missing has struck me over and over again. I ask myself if it was worth it. I like to think that it was. I'm sure that I am today who I am because of all of the relationship flops and dead ends. I know that I'm killing myself by asking what if, but I'm still thinking it. Like I've said a million times before, I wouldn't change anything if I could, but is there an alternate universe where I DIDN'T screw everything up? Where I kept at least ONE of the girls I cared for. Frankly this is all theory and conjecture, I don't really care. What happened has happened and I'm finding reasons to be happy that it did. I know I haven't found what I'm looking for because so many things that were important to me weren't captured in an entire person. However, from this point on I will know what I'm looking for. Maybe just at this point, but I feel like I need someone that cares, that finds meaning in things, someone that can take care of themselves if I'm not around, someone that's loyal, that finds meaning in even the smallest of things, someone that's in control of their life, someone that is religious, that loves God, someone that is not afraid to be themselves in ANY situation, someone that is ok with who I am. At this point I realize that this is asking too much, but why can't a guy dream? It certainly is a great dream huh? Well this is my beautiful philosophy in a tea cup

You who don't know work

As the sun closes on another day, I realize just what has been bugging me these past few weeks. They say the every generation has something important they have to face, a turning point in the evolution of man, if you will. From the Great Depression and World War II, all the way back to Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. I may have found what our generation is missing, at least, what my generation is missing. Things have lost their meaning. It seems that the once important things in life, the things to strive for, to become, have all turned into fancies that everyone should enjoy. A hug no longer is a hug, a kiss isn't a kiss, night under the stars lose their flavor, days holding hands through the glorious days we're given suddenly become so heartless. What happened? I don't think I need to state the fact that I too am guilty of such crimes. Turning something that was once with meaning into a simple activity you do for "fun". Yes, everyone loves to feel loved, but the point is to not taint that love. How can someone live in a world where kisses are cold, where hugs are empty, and where love becomes a punctuation. My people expect everything to come to them when they want it. Why can't I find love? Why am I single? Why can't I get married? Why is life so hard? They've all been fooled into thinking that there was some kind of shortcut. A magic entrance into happiness that someone found a while ago and now wants to share with everyone. Truth be told, someone has found a way to be truly happy. Someone has found true love. But they will tell as anyone else who has also reached their goals, that the only way for it to be real, for it to last beyond the ages of stars, is to spend your entire existence looking for it. Nothing worth having is easy to obtain. The struggle, the trial, the adventure is what makes the reward so sweet. A man given land and a house will only have land and a house. But the man that builds his house and works his lands will be given a home and his freedom. Earn it to own it, they say. And so we should. We should know that everything will not work out the way we hoped it to, but it will work out the way we need it to, with patience, constant care, and a never ending effort to keep what we have earned, nothing will stop us from reaching what has always really mattered to us. Seven years he worked, and seven more, and earned his love, and kept it. This is my never failing philosophy in a tea cup.

Retributions, my own hallelujah

Sometimes I think to myself whether or not life would be easier as an animal. Some nice cute animal that everyone loves and seldom gets eaten. Live day to day with one goal in mind, surviving. No real accomplishments, no real expectations, no real family, no real job, just multiply and stay alive. No I don't think this life would suit me, but it would undoubtedly be easier. It's really strange, when I talk to a certain person I always smile. I didn't do that with anyone before her, of course I've already screwed this up beyond belief, but for some reason I'll always be attracted to her. She doesn't as me for advice, she always makes me laugh, she's extremely ok with my stupidity and she makes me smile every time. I haven't even kissed this girl which could in fact be the reason that I've always liked her. She's pure, smart, funny, dedicated to religion, and knows how to have fun without having to do anything. Life would be simple with her. She may not be the one, and probably isn't the one, but I believe I need more people like her in my life. People that can take me from the worst day of the year and turn it into the sunshine floating high and fly. Even now I smile just thinking about her. No wonder I was in love with her, she made me smile. Consistently happy, however when she broke my heart, it really hurt, a pain that I've known several times since, but never so bad. It seems that I've grown immunities to hurting that much, I find ways to hate them, to protect myself from others around. I've been made a promise, a promise that can't be broken. Of course this promise is two sided, but I've been made this promise none the less. If I do the right thing I will end up with the right person. What a comfort this gives me, I know that I have no time for love affairs at this point in my life, but it comforts me to know that I will find what I'm looking for when the time is right. I can't say that I've really looked for her either, I've been misguided, maybe confused, but I know that I was never looking for her. Sometimes things just happen, out of sheer coincidence. Yes, she made me happy, she made me really happy. I always felt so good around her, like the whole world could just fade away and die and so long as she was my friend the whole world had purpose. She was a good friend. I was not. I need to be that now more than ever. I need to be a good friend and I need to remember what really counts in this life. Retribution, become the greatest version of yourself you can become. Loving yourself is the first step to loving others, but loving others is the first step to becoming who you should be. Life was never easy. No one could even tell you why, but the simplest actions down the simple words "I'm sorry" become the greatest chore a man can be faced with. There's something deeper than this earth. A power that drives us, that becomes us, a feeling, a notion, that we are all something greater, something amazing. Sometimes we are afraid to find out what that is. Perhaps it's a fear of having to BE something greater. I need something that will force me to be something greater. I have friends, friends really are something fantastic, but they are there for you when you need them to be around, not when you need them to lift you up. There's someone out there for that exact reason, to show us who we should be, who we could be. I suppose that when someone says "we've fallen out of love" What they mean is that they are no longer motivated and no longer have a purpose to stay with someone that doesn't motivate them. Falling out of love is an admission that you are no longer willing to work through anything. So long as two people are motivated by the same goal, be it God, Love, Happiness, any relationship can work. Once one of them loses sight of that goal it seems like all things are lost and meaningless. So let's all just carry on with what we're doing, keep looking for the things that drive you, and always remember that everything you do is determined by what you've done. This would be my healing philosophy in a tea cup.

At least you've still got your dreams

It's just another day in the life of me. Here I am, finding passions in music and theatre and involved in NEITHER! They were my drugs, what kept me going. I'm going through withdrawal, hallucinations, hard times standing up, out of breath easily, without music and theatre I'm a wreck! A substantial part of my life is spent dreaming, but someday I will make every dream a reality. I'm going to be a great actor, I'm going to make music, I'm going to live in New York with an amazing family and a cool dog we'll name Captain Stoobing. That's how it's going to be. If I can just make it through these next few years I should make it to see my dreams come true. I just hope and pray everyday that I haven't already screwed myself up too much to make these dreams reality. Today I probably ruined my voice on Rock Band, but let's be honest, who hasn't? I look back on the past few relationships I've been a part of, and if I remember who I am and what I do, I will realize that every single one has taught me something. I want someone fiery, but knows when to quit, active, but knows when to stop and take in the good moments, funny, but knows when it's better to let the silence do all the talking. I know that this is asking too much, but I can dream, and maybe this too will come true. All I can do now is hope, I hope that someday everyone finds the dreams they're looking for, those goals that they still kept in their hearts despite all the opposition that the world had shoved in their faces. Someday all my desires will surface and I can sit back, take a look at my life and say "Thanks, that was good." Until then, I'll live with allergies, dry everything, horrible parents, being trapped somewhere I don't want to be, loveless, jobless, and all in all miserable. But hey, that's just my hoping philosophy in a tea cup.

Things Change

I would like to believe that for every death there is a new life. Today I found out that my sister is engaged to be married. Natasha Kubricky and JD McBride. Great Guy, I know he'll do his best to make her happy. It's so comforting to see that great things still happen every day. I'm still learning a lot about myself. I'm such an instinctive person that I will still do things without noticing I do them. I only sing when I'm happy, actually I should rephrase that, I only sing a lot when I'm happy. When a song I've known for years comes on, I can't help but sing along, but I only really sing when I'm happy. It's strange, but I have been with people that made me sing every two seconds, and I've been with people I thought I loved and never sang a note. Every day I miss NY, I dream about it, I think about it, I try not to talk about it, but I love it. I remember going back there this last summer and nearly crying when I landed in Vermont and saw all of those beautiful trees, the green enclosing the whole area round about. I used to think that High School love was ridiculous. I was right, it is, but I thought that it changed after that. It doesn't, college love is pretty ridiculous too. Alex told me a saying the other day that goes "Money spent on a girl before your mission is money spent on someone else's wife" It's so true. Is it good to give people chances? I realize that all I need is a chance, but doesn't that sound wrong? "Just give me a chance." Hmm, it sounds so needy and unlike me. I think I've grown up in a generation where no one is willing to work for anything. I was raised different from that, I knew from the beginning that if you want something you've got to work for it. I guess that's what I need to find, someone willing to work for something. I guess some people don't realize what they're saying when they say it. When a girl says she's "busy" what she means is she's too "busy" for you. When a girl says that she's more in love with the idea than love, that's the beginning of "so I'm not in love with you." They really treat us like we're stupid. Like we don't know what they're really saying. And when all is said and done they believe that an "I'm sorry" will make everything better. Apologies don't make the hurt go away. Maturity, it's ironic that this is the one thing that girls want when they're younger, and yet they withhold no maturity of their own. It seems that women want everything they aren't. I've lived in a life where if you want something you must also give it. Maybe that's asking too much, but I will never ask something of someone that I won't give myself. I just get really upset when people ask for things that they refuse to give themselves. Isn't that the same thing as hypocrisy? I surely don't know, but I'd like to think it is. I'm sitting here writing this blog and listening to horrible country gospel music wanting to break the speakers because of how painful it is, and yet, through all of this dischord, this disunity in my life, I feel like things aren't going to get much better. I have this horrible sinking feeling that I've been to where life gets as good as it gets and I've reached the pinnacle only to fall into a never ending spiral of dissatisfaction. The strangest thing of all is that I think I found out what I really want. Out of life, out of a relationship, out of a family, out of the world. I just want honesty, what I've always wanted and yet can't seem to get a hold of. I watched Once last night, and that Czech republic girl is very straight forward and burtally honest, and frankly I've never been so turned on in my entire life. Isn't it strange when honesty is a characteristic you have to look for? I believe that every relationship can work with pure honesty. No one wants to live in a world where they have to wonder if they really are loved. If you could hie to Kolob, would you still need my philosophy in a tea cup?

Too many "IF"s

At times I wish I could be more like my siblings. Natasha is so sure of what she wants and won't let her emotions get in the way. Alex is so determined and driven and willing to do what it takes to get what he wants. Nina is so outspoken even for a girl her age, and always willing to let people know what's on her mind. Amy just wants everyone to get along and despite her challenges she knows she has, wants to do her best. Ben has this attitude where everyone else is stupid, he has a complicated way with women where he can make any of them fall for him but be in no way attached. I'm just Conrad. That's me, I'm scared, I'm lazy, I'm weak, I'm low, and I'm confused. You could say that I'm the miserable one. But I think the reason I've been so miserable lately is because I have HAD wonderful. I've seen what my life can be like and at times things get so rough I almost start to believe that those good times were just a figment of my imagination, something that may have never happened but would have been great if they had. I wonder what I would've done differently. I had people that were there for me, I had people that cared about me, but I guess I just do better when people aren't around to see me. After every time I've broken up with someone important it has snowed. I guess that means I should stop getting involved during the winter huh? Haha, well I suppose it's just my luck. I don't have control over other people so that's just how the world turns. I have this habit of losing people that are close to me. Maybe growing up with only my family to talk to has made me into a person that only my family understands, which I use the term "understand" very loosely. Maybe I'm a workaholic and I don't know it yet because I haven't been working long enough. Maybe I'm one of those people that makes millions of dollars while pushing everyone else away. Maybe I'm thinking too hard. Maybe I don't think enough. Maybe this is just some sick kind of dream I've been stuck in. Maybe I won't live to see the end of it. Maybe this is my philosophy in a tea cup.

It all ends up the same

It's so ridiculous. Everything has ended the same. What makes you think that I'll be put on hold for you? It's so utterly idiotic! What really makes people think that I'm willing to just wait for someone to get their act together? I'm not someone's tool of convenience. I'm a forgiving person, but if you want my respect after betraying my trust you'd better have a really good reason for it. I've been attacked so brutally through these last few months that I probably won't recover. What makes anyone think that they can play this game with someone? Oh look! I've lost interest in you so I'm going to drive you away so that I can be with someone else. What a sick joke. Sometimes I would really just like to destroy something. Is it really that hard to be different? You've all ended up the same. It all comes up like a breath and down like the rain. I think I'm done. I've realized that nothing has changed. I found one of my old journal entries and I realized I'm right where I started. How pathetic. I think that it doesn't matter where you're from but where you are. I used to believe that I could find someone different if they weren't from Utah. I guess they were right. When in Rome. I haven't been given a single reason to trust anyone anymore. I suppose this could all be a good thing. Wanting is the first step that will always leave you where you don't want to be. I could be happy. Keep up, life is only so long and people are only so real. What's the difference between someone you'll never see and seeing people that aren't there? Life is one trick of the mind leading to another. What if everything you do is controlled? There's no point in complaining because there's nothing to do about it. I'm stuck where I am, living in some sad excuse for a life. I'm now simply a sad broken man with only the capability to wake up, eat, and sleep again. This is not the life I wanted to be a part of. I need something to keep me distracted. If I don't have time to realize just how much my life sucks the distraction simply makes life easier. Lover, you shouldn't have come. I am not someone's convenience. Stop wasting my time. Why are you surprised to leave me alone and then expect me to be there when you come back? Don't take me for an idiot. Take responsibility for your actions and live up to your own consequences. You've ruined what's left of me, broken and shattered I crawl to find my lost pieces. You've lost me. And this is my broken philosophy in a tea cup.

My mind needs a rest

What really defines us? Is it our thoughts? Is it our actions? Or is it possibly our thoughts during our actions? I feel like I've betrayed the world, like I'm just one huge disappointment waiting to happen. A man helping a woman carry her things simply because he wants her to owe him is wrong, right? The right things for the wrong reasons, the wrong thing for the right reasons, doing something wrong with whole hearted regret, or doing something right with only pride because of your own assumed superiority. Perhaps the Heroes fall the farthest, and the villains don't know any better. There are some things in my life that I feel no one will ever understand, almost like Van Gogh taken to the absence of light, the kelvin cold, and the pain of a thousand years of torture. No man on this earth can understand me. I'm ok with that, I've grown accustomed to it, but it still gives pause. Why can't I talk to someone? I suppose this is the purpose of these blogs. The self reaffirmation that I'm still alive, still coherent enough to know that insanity won't get me where I need to be and when all the doors and windows have closed this is my only vent. Subject to change. We signed an agreement when we were born. All things are subject to change. A pending sign hung just above our heads every minute of every day. You will always be left waiting for tomorrow. Death and Taxes. A penny saved is a penny just waiting to be handed off to someone else's pocket. We are the genuises that never had a clue, amused by our own brilliance. She's so perfect, he's so great, but what they do when the lights are dimmed and what the scarlet thoughts of yesteryear can penetrate only leave us scarred by the inconvieved notions of how it should have ended. Trapped in our shiny, perfectly white china just waiting to be devoured, catch every drop, with the saucer to make sure we won't stain anyone else. Stir and stir until we've fit the criteria for perfection, not too hot, not too cold. Sweetening us up, dabble in the milk to make it all a little easier to swallow. We couldn't make each other understand. Maybe we are all just... My Philosophy In A Tea Cup