The places you have come to fear the most

Sometimes I think that I have to do the right thing more often than what I actually want to do. I'm still pushing some people away, far less people than I used to, but still I push people away. I think I'm doing the right thing. If someone had cut you, cut you really deep, and then wanted you to trust them again, how should you react? None the less when it seems the reason they want you back in their lives is out of guilt. I don't want to be that person. I want people to be amiable toward me because they feel the courage and determination to let someone into their lives, not because they feel bad for ignoring me all this time. I want purity in my life, something untainted and noble. It's so hard to find these days, but if I do find it I want to hold on to it forever. The places I used to hide have become the places I try to avoid. Sometimes we need to work through things though, and as strange as it is we sometimes need proof. Proof that someone is willing to work for you, someone is willing to prove that there are no ulterior motives. I've always hated having to prove things, but in human nature it is well known that if you've broken someone's trust you should try hard to get it back. I've been trying these past couple months to gain back trusts I have lost, and I will tell you it isn't easy. But day in and day out I want to prove that I can be a better person, be more than me. Maybe I'll never be perfect, I know I'm not now, but I believe that sometimes the desire is the greatest step to becoming. Maybe I've made life hard on myself, but I know that nothing easy is really worth having. I hope to become a trustworthy, honest, respectable, and noble person. It may take me a while, but I'm trying. I always love analogies and I recently thought of one that goes something like "Sometimes getting the short straw means that you're lucky you didn't get the straw that broke the camel's back. Never give up on your aspirations and always look to the future for what your potential truly is. This is my last blog for the month. I leave in a little less than three weeks, but I hope to return to my blog when I get back. Many thanks for reading this month, an awful lot has happened. And this is my striving philosophy in a tea cup

She sells sea shells

Today I was thinking, have you ever held a sea shell up to your ear to see if it really did sound like the ocean? I've done it, since the days of my youth I've combed the beach for conch shells that can hold the ocean in your ear. I take them home, and when I'm feeling discouraged, or lonely, or lost, I hold it up to my ear and know that I have a home far away from here on peaceful shores. We all listen to the shell for different reasons. For some people it's an escape, a way to hide from everything that's around us and BE at the ocean dipping our feet in the waves and collecting shells much like the one held up to your ear. Some people do it to remember, to remember what it was like to be on a beach with their friends and family and smell the sand and the ocean waves. For other people it's a dream, an ambition to go to those shores and get away from everyone and everything they know. Whatever your reason, I hope it brings you happiness. There's so much in this world unexplored, so much left a mystery. We all have things that remind us, things that help us get through the days and nights. Sometimes we hold them so close that we almost hurt ourselves just to get as close to our dreams as possible. We can't be on those shores, not yet. There's a reason we are where we are and a purpose to what we are doing. So much of what we do affects those around us. There are places that I miss, and I will probably miss them for a very long time, perhaps even forever, but I will always have those memories, those shells letting me know that there was once a place that I looked out on, and saw nothing but possibilities and aspirations. We will never know the confines of our own cage until we've seen our walls from the outside, but we decide whether the cage is to keep us in, or keep pain out. Find the things that bring you joy, the people that make you smile, don't distort your relationships because they are hard to get back. Do what makes you happy and give all your love and patience to those you care about. The things in life worth keeping are the ones worth fighting for, never give up if you've found what makes you happy. And strangely enough, the things you thought you've lost and forgotten have a peculiar way of coming back. The waves go out, and they come back in, you can't force them to stay, but you can wait until they come back to you. And This is my ripple philosophy in a tea cup.

These words I dedicate

They say that misery loves company. Then why do I want to be completely alone and talk to no one? There's been something off this entire week, something just wasn't right, and then I get the news that a very close friend of mine has passed away. He shouldn't have died. I've said this so many times and it's still true. Because someone was somewhere they shouldn't have been my friend is now dead. I won't be able to crack jokes, laugh, discuss, get into trouble, or hang out with him again. People keep telling me all these things that are supposed to cheer me up, supposed to make me feel better. I've used them several times myself. "He's in a better place" "This is how it was meant to be" "God has a purpose." Maybe it's true, but this changes nothing. My friend is dead because someone was running from the cops and hit him while he was driving home. This kid had ambition, he was just about to get a mission call, he had a girl that loved and supported him. And now, like a flicker in a flame, he's gone, leaving a little more darkness in our days. I spent the whole day today thinking about it, thinking that there was something I could have done. If only I had invited him over to hang out, maybe he wouldn't have been on that street, if only I had stalled him by one minute by calling and asking what he was doing. All of these "if only's" played in my head over and over. It did me no good, but it made me think about all the good times we had. I wonder if I'm too dramatic about all of this, if I'm thinking too much and that I should just let everything go. Then again I've always been like this. But this wasn't right. Life is too short to leave to chance, we need to take the time we have with our loved ones and make them memories that will never change. Don't taint the good things you have, don't ruin friendships because of quarrels or relationships. Breath a little deeper, taste a little longer, and take that second chance to catch every moment that would in other light pass you by. He's gone, there's nothing I can do, no bargaining, no restitution, and nothing to compensate for the emptiness that has been left in all our hearts. We all die, we've always known it. No one knows when or how, but it will happen. It was people like Derek that left a mark, something to remind us that we can be a better person, that life can be lead in a way that we will leave this world and our final thought will be "Did I become the best version of me?" The fact that hit me hard was that Derek was going to have a beautiful life. A great family, friends, happiness, and blessings were all in store for him. I suppose you could say that he's reaping what he has sewn in heaven, but that just isn't good enough for me. I'll never be satisfied and this is something that will irk me for quite some time. But I know that Dereks happy, I know that he is now far ahead of me in knowledge, wisdom, maturity, and over all virtue. I will never meet a kid like Derek again, but then again, I think that's what he wanted.

I reflect a lot, you'd think I was a mirror

I pulled a double today, big mistake. I don't usually use this blog as a journal entry, but I still would like to mention I pulled a double. ANYWAY, I think that today is a day for reflection of how far we've come. We often make resolutions and forget all about them the next week unless it's something extremely important to us. So think back to all the things you said, all the promises you made, and remember how much you meant them, how often you kept them, and how much better you're going to do now that you remember them. I often feel like I've been cheated, not necessarily by God, but by people, like they deliberately lied to me and somehow expect me to trust them. A warning to anyone getting to know me, I will ALWAYS respect you right off the bat, but once you've deceived me or conned me, I have a hard time respecting you. I'm bitter sometimes. So I'm sorry to those whom I've been bitter to, but... You deserved it Haha. As for deeper reflection, I would like to take this opportunity to tell everyone just how lovely this world is. It's a scary place, no doubt, but around every turn is another mystery of exquisite beauty and aww inspiring moments. The grass is growing, the kids are laughing, and the sun still rises and sets every day. I think my only complaint about this world is how BIG it is, there are friends that I would really like to spend time with, really like to catch up with, and really like to spend hours in meadows making funny shapes out of the clouds. I wish I could do this with all my friends, but alas, too many live in Utah, and too many live in New York, so getting them all together would be quite the hassle. I want people to remember who their friends were, why they were friends, and the great adventures they had. On a tangent, I would like to ask, is there anything you ever cried for? Crying is such a confusing emotion, it happens when you're the saddest of sad, and the happiest of happy. It's an emotion that takes over the whole body. I remember all the times I've cried, it's an emotion I know very well. It's not easy for me to admit, but I tend to cry a bit. Although I can't cry with onions and such which really stings because my tear ducts are broken in that area. But I think back on the moments that I've cried, and almost every situation was a turning point in my life, a moment where I became "Conrad's Philosophies" Let all your tears be from happiness, don't let yourself be down and out for things that are soon going to pass you by. They say that God counts the tears of his children, and I would like to make everyone mourn a little less, and cry with joy a little more. I can't do this alone, I'm only one lost soul in the vast and endless space that is life, but I think that if I can get my words, these words out to those it may help, the internet will become a powerful tool for the good of mankind. Here's hoping, This is my scattered philosophy in a tea cup.

Lilac Wine...

There's a song by Jeff Buckley called "Lilac Wine" One of the lines is "When I think more than I wanna think, I do things I never should do, I drink much more than I ought to drink, because it brings me back you." Sometimes I feel that way, like I drink much more than I oughta drink because somehow the pain reminds me that I've still got feelings, and if I hurt myself enough she might someday know my pain. All it takes is one sip, and then you're hooked. Sweet and heady, like my love. I would like to apologize for anyone I have led on or brought to believe that I was dedicated and in love with. I apologize because no one I have done this to is old enough to experience that and I put them in a position far beyond their years. So here is a question, are we a result of our surroundings, or are our surroundings a result of us? Do we choose where we are and where we live, or do we learn to choose the places we grew up? I am nothing like my father, I can tell you that right now, so if you love my father, it would probably be hard to get along with me. I say this because he and I are complete opposites, yet, am I an opposite because that is my soul and I was inherently made of a soul make up that way, or am I naturally oppositional and that's why I'm different? I don't know, so now I ask, why are you the way you are? Do we love who we love because they remind us of someone? Or do we love them because they are the least like someone else? Did we know them before we were here? Or are we just learning what we find beauty in? All my life I wished that there was someone, a perfect someone that I knew before I was me, in the cosmic coincidences that make up my entire existence. Maybe I was once a child that did great things, that aspired to all the challenges I was faced with, maybe I met a beautiful and amazing young woman that loved me as much as I loved her. Maybe I was Romeo and she was Juliet and after death we now have to find each other in this life. I don't know, maybe it's the romantic in me. But I am sorry for those of you whom I have had fall for me. I do not mean to put up facades, often times I try only to be nice to everyone and it often times becomes misinterpreted as affection. Even on occasion people fall for me because they believe that I am some vast and endless tree of knowledge that will find them happiness. I'm sorry that this is all a lie, I wish I could help everyone, and I wish that there were more people on this earth that weren't afraid to feel, to love, and to think. But I want you all to know that I'm searching for someone, I don't know who, but I will know when I find her. I once heard that a girl I knew was given a promise that if she did what was right, if she stayed in the right path, she would find the one she loved in heaven. This makes me fill with joy as I think of those we must have loved in heaven. But I also realized that I did not want to be the one that stood in the way of her finding her one true love. I don't want anyone stopping me from finding mine either, so here I make a solemn promise, that all I do, and all that will be done, will be to find what I have been looking for and put aside selfish carnal desires, no longer flirting for attention or cuddling for warmth, but making every moment worth something. No flippancy nor cast asides, but everything with a meaning. I know that there will be people that will read this and think "That's exactly what I'm looking for" Do NOT think me a man of greatness or what you are looking for. I am just Connor, nothing more, nothing less, do not think of me as a statue for which to build your life. I am only here to tell you that this is now the time where you conduct yourself in the same manner. Stop throwing away precious moments of life with people you have no intentions of staying with, don't waste another kiss on a new love of the week, find meaning in everything, take in the roses and blue skies, and be there when your love comes to call. Walking will only get you out the front door, but love can make you fly. Again, good luck. This is my compassionate philosophy in a tea cup.