Ow! My back!

Getting old is a weird thing. I'm just speaking from experience, so maybe it's different for other people, but getting old for me is about being tired AT ALL TIMES. Don't misunderstand, I usually do it to myself, but when you're young pulling all nighters, eating crappy food, and working out all the time is pretty easy to bounce back from. Now? Now I'm in a perpetual state of pain that always seems to say "You REALLY shouldn't have done that.

I like pain. Pain is a constant reminder that I'm still alive, my body still works, and that if something is wrong, I need to fix it. Pain is the body's way of telling you that what you're doing is probably wrong, temporary pain tells you that you may be getting stronger, long lasting pain may tell you that something is getting weaker. It is the way our bodies communicate with us. My favorite thing about getting old is that I feel like I've actually got a reasonable knowledge base. I could rattle off some kind of random word of advice to someone, but without experience, without truly suffering through the pain of learning that story, it lacks gravitas. This isn't to say that you can't give good advice to someone without experience, that's just not true. But the ability to testify to something because you've been a victim of it is much more powerful, though this too has it's limitations. Some would like to believe "Ah! I've been through this, so I know better than you," but often it isn't about what they experienced, but how it changed them. I'll use the example of having kids

When you're married and you bring up kids, you get a very different reaction depending on who you talk to about it. If you meet those parents that love their kids, they'll immediately say some kind of "Kids are hard work, but it's sooo worth it." And then when you have those parents (or anyone, really) that's had a bad experience with kids they will immediately, and very adamantly I might add, let you know that they kids are a curse, a blight on society, and they're just little monsters. So what does this say to you? To me, it says that everyone comes out of the same experience in a different way, but it goes back to what I'm always talking about; expectations.

Some people go into having kids thinking "this is gonna be great, they're so cute, and they're fun, and they're gonna love me, and they're going to make me so happy!!" These people? They're the miserable ones. You see, when you understand what the purpose of things are, you appreciate them in a different light, much similar to the example I gave about pain. If you understand that the purpose of children is to be excited about people seeing things for the first time, to bring a life into this world with the intention of giving them the best shot at this crazy place called living, you stop expecting kids to gratify you, and instead rejoice in their ability to grow, learn, and mature through their various experiences. Children aren't little monsters, they're children. They're just trying to figure things out the best they can with what they're given. Do you remember being that young? Do you remember just wanting to know what the best way to survive was? I would have loved for someone to sit me down, and let me know "Hey kid, it's gonna be alright, you're gonna make mistakes, you're gonna learn a lot, and that's okay. The purpose of life is to grow, to change, and to learn, and if you're not doing that, you're not living." Just that simple basic outline of why I was here would have dramatically changed my perception, my decisions, and my accomplishments. Now I know, and I can look back in fondness on everything I've done. I was a dork, I was a loser, I was a fatty, I was an emo, and I was flamboyant, but I was okay. Don't forget your purpose, and if you don't know your purpose, find a good one. The world might be getting darker, but that just makes the light stand out more. I'm feeling old, but I'm still drinking this philosophy in a tea cup.

Hello, old friend

It's been a while, a long while if I'm counting correctly. Over a year has passed and everything is different, yet everything's the same. There's a feeling I get every year around this time, it's a feeling of home. This feeling that everything that was should be, and everything that is once was. Not everyone is blessed with a great childhood, and I by no means had it perfect, but there were times, so many times that things just felt right. As we grow, our minds are compiling all this information, figuring out where to put it, and then hoping we can move on with everything that's happened. Sometimes we block a few things out, and other times we try so hard to hang on to it, like the sliding dew on a morning windshield. The truth is we just aren't built to remember everything, but if we can make our now as good as the then, it just might be possible to feel those moments, those small and brief fragments in time, that bring us closer to something that could be called peace. Fall always brings this to mind.

I'm far from what I call home. Home is where you feel excited to wake up, glad to be moving, and motivated to get things done. I haven't been home in a long time. Every day becomes a drudge of walking around, monotonously repeating everything you've said a million times before, not even attempting to add inflection, with your hands hanging at your sides as you walk through another hum drum day feeling mediocre, being mediocre. It's the "young adult" phase of life. We're called young adults, because adults are old, and established, but I feel like most of us are "young adults" until we hit our mid to late thirties. It's not about age, it's about being established. The world we live in is so full of broken dreams, lost ideals, and compromises, and because of this, we just don't have anywhere to put our foot down, because if we ever tried, it would surely slip. But if I can hang on to that one moment, that one idea, that one memory of those Autumn days, where the leaves were red, the sky was gray, and the soft pitter patter and petrichor from scented summer passing can get you through that disequilibrium. Maybe you can find peace in the two hours of your twenty four, but meditate, reflect, reminisce, and remember that you are something different. You are not lost in a crowd, but you are part of something great. Be magnificent, do magnificent things, and every day will have a small reward. If you spend your time wisely, the other time that's already spent will be a blessing. Go home, lay down on your carpet, listen to some rainfall, and close your eyes. A moment can feel like a lifetime. This is my philosophy in a tea cup.