Making it

I've never had to trade one thing in my life for another. I guess I'm lucky that way, but it has come to a time where I may have to make that decision. Here are the thoughts running through my head. First of all, will it be worth it? I think that's a question we all ask ourselves when doing anything, but thinking about it more on the long term forever spectrum it's a little different. What if this means changing everything about yourself? What if it becomes a choice between who you are and who you should be? I struggle with myself daily on whether or not I'm a bad person or a good person that does bad things. It's a well known fact that no one should change who they are for someone else, but what if you are a bad person and they're the one thing that might make you good? The problem with this is obvious, what happens when the one you changed for is gone? The only thing you can truly rely on is yourself. Not in the depressing sad, lonely, way, but the constant, happy, friendly way. Trust yourself and the whole world will open up to you. Usually I write these blogs because by the time I'm done the answer comes to me and simply organizing my thoughts helps everything become clear, but it isn't clear. Not a single thought of wisdom is coming to my little head. I can only do what I've always done because it seems to work so far. I've got a lot of growing up to do. There are so many things I need to learn how to do. The oddest thing about me is that I know what is right, but not quite sure how to go about it. It's like knowing how to build a house, but you've built it in the middle of a river. You know very well how to make it, but it's foundation is extremely uneasy. And so my life is, knowing what to do, but not the right way to go about it. Perhaps it is only at this time, a fleeting moment in eternity, I'll see how I feel tomorrow and hopefully things will have improved. It's hard finding paradise but only seeing pictures from that point on. I've known so much before, but my banks have run dry and nothing seems to come to mind, quite literally. Until later, I wish the best of luck to everyone. And this is my adaptation philosophy in a tea cup

The warmest cold I've ever felt!

It's snowing, it's been snowing for the past few hours. Cars are sliding, people are freezing, and everything is slushy. I love it! I thought of making a snow angel today, but decided that if I fell into the snow it would be almost impossible to get back up. I've seen so many things and there isn't much that compares with laying in the freezing snow with someone you feel perfect around. That staring into the eyes, the unavoidable smiles, and the warmth that melts the snow beneath your back. It truly is a miracle that in such a time when everything is freezing, something survives. Much like a fireplace it is kept inside, deep in the heart, warming the house. Sometimes all it needs is a little extra wood to keep it burning. Winter is a time for imagination, where the world is covered in white so that you can make up your own idea of how you want life to be. Have you ever noticed we make things in winter? I made a snow man today, we decorated the Christmas tree, we built a snow fort, and made cookies and cocoa. Everything seems to be about making things in winter. Making happiness isn't excluded. I think that this time of the year is a good time to make the best of things. Make connections, make friends, make people feel good! I think we spend so much time looking at what's wrong with us that we don't see what we mean to everyone else. We spend our mornings looking in our mirror at what's wrong with us that we never close our eyes and see what kind of beauty we've been hiding inside. Sometimes we don't want to believe what's right in front of us because if it isn't truth it will hurt us in the deepest parts, but there comes a time to learn that although there are many lies in the world, the truths are worth the search. Remember that not everyone is like you, and despite how you feel about yourself, it is possible to love everything about someone. Let go of the petty faults of others and let their true beauty shine. Let your toes be cold, someone will come to warm them, keep your door open and someone will walk in, leave a light on and someone will be there when you're in darkness. Cherish every moment you have when you are with the ones you love, and when you don't like what you see, close your eyes and feel with your heart. I'm really at a loss today for words, I've little to say so I'll stop here until something comes back. And this is my warming philosophy in a tea cup.

I'll bury myself with it

I can't help but sometimes like a lie more than truth. I get a feeling that I'd be more happy hating someone for something they didn't do than hating someone and finding out they aren't as bad as I had hoped. Does that make me a bad person? Is it better to live in a happy lie than a miserable truth? What you don't know can't hurt you, but what you can find out will kill you. Often I would just like to believe that everyone is horrible, everyone is deceitful, and everyone has an ulterior motive. I want to believe that they did something wrong to me, that they're lying and I can't trust them, because it would pain me so much to know that they were telling the truth and I still resented them. I won't say that it isn't sad, to have to hate someone to forget about them, but it is helpful. Replacing emotions of sadness and loneliness with anger, frustration, even hatred. It might not be right, but it helps. How much more it hurts when you find out you've been blindly hating someone that has shown only loyalty to you. Perhaps it's better to never have known. Backstabbing, lying, betraying, things that every human has experienced at least once in their life, are emotions that are best returned in kind with distrust, resentment, and distance. Is it worth it to stay inside of your shell and be safe, but never experience life outside your tomb? All the things I've learned, I've felt, I've lived have made me into the person that I am, but am I a good person? The ignorant man who knows nothing of betrayal, kept safe in their mothers wing, know little of anger, of dejected feelings, or of loneliness, but does that make them happier? Not knowing of the world beyond? I don't know, and I think it's safe to say I may never know, but I will say that we are who we are meant to be, we will always be who we are, perhaps with slight variations, but from the time we were born to the moment we die, we will be the outline that was intended, and the choices we make decide whether we become the best versions of ourselves, or the devil himself. And that is my hidden philosophy in a tea cup.

Why me?

From the title I know what you're thinking, but it isn't like that. This "why me" is more like a "why not anyone else?" because I've been taught things I thought everyone knew but apparently didn't. I've been given what some people call gifted insight or discernment. I can tell how people are feeling, what they need to hear, and how to present it in a way that would be most accepted. But I always thought that everyone knew how to do this. I always believed that everyone knew how to make a girl smile, how to make a friend feel better, and how to make everyone around you smile. So here I am asking "why me?" Why can I do it? I often wonder if it were just something in my mind that gives me an understanding of what is really going on in someone's mind. There really is something in your brain that controls your empathy. It's the thing that makes you twitch when you see someone getting cut open, it's the thing that makes you hide when you watch a scary movie, it's empathy controlled through your thoughts. I just found out that mine is a little bigger than average. I could never be a doctor because I can't stand the sight of anything that might look painful to someone else. I can't stand fighting because I feel the anger that runs through people. But the strangest thing about all of this is, I can't cry. It's the most bizarre thing in the world. I am not capable of crying! Whenever I should cry during a sad movie, nothing comes. When something really close to me dies, I can't cry. When my mom is chopping onions, my eyes only burn like a fire and it hurts, but I can't cry. I used to cry all the time, when I was angry, when I was sad, when I was lonely, when I was overcome with emotions. I used to cry during songs, I used to cry during movies, I used to cry during books, but I can't anymore. I feel like I'm broken. I always wanted to be different, but the things I'm finding that really make me different are extremely obscure! Crying isn't the only thing that makes me different, there are so many things I thought were normal but turned out to be only me. Oh well, I'm happy now, I've met someone that makes me smile, makes me want to be a better person, makes me feel like all I have to do to fly is lift my feet off the ground. I won't put too much stock in a crashing market, but I will believe, and until the rains fall, I'll bask in the sun while it lasts. Maybe being different isn't what we're looking for. Maybe what we are really looking for is someone to notice us. And this is my being different philosophy in a tea cup.

Until I sink to the bottom

There's a song called "Going Missing" with lyrics "I sleep with my hands across my chest and I dream of you with someone else." One of my favorite songs and one of my favorite lyrical pieces I've heard. The truth is I feel that way so often, like sometimes it's just better to imagine someone you love with someone else and let them go find their own happiness. Dreams filled with happiness even if it isn't your own are still good dreams right? People have famous sayings such as, "You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet" or "Sacrifices must be made." Think about that as giving up the one thing you've ever really wanted and the ability to give it up for something more important. When I was a child I caught frogs, brought them home, and cared for them in one of my old fish tanks or jars. I thought the frogs were fascinating and although they seemed like my property I knew someday I would have to give them up. I don't see that much of a difference in the way we treat other people. Despite the fact that I have no comprehension of parenting it seems that you can only teach children what they need to know and let them go to make their own dreams, mistakes, and altogether choices. It's not something I like doing, letting people go, but it's absolutely necessary. I will however talk about something I do know about, letting lovers go.
I've met all types of people, skinny, fat, short, tall, ugly, beautiful, smart, stupid, kind, cruel, and they have all made something special of my life. I've met people I couldn't get away from, and some that I didn't want to get away from. But in all experience I have learned that no matter how much you care for someone, when the time comes you will have to let them go. It was single handed the hardest thing I've ever had to do and by no means rewarding, but over time I learned that it's not the easy thing, but the right thing. I've had to learn for myself that it's better to be alone and miserable, than with someone else that can't find happiness with you. I knew that I was capable of love when I gave up the one thing I wanted more than anything else to another. When the needs of the one you love far exceed yours, don't fret, you're on the way to true happiness. And although the storms rage and the winds blow and loneliness is the only thing you can call your own, remember that you've made the right choice and when all of this is over love can only build off of itself. And that's my letting go philosophy in a tea cup.

The greatest cure is one's self

Oh how things can changed and yet somehow remain the same. With people pouring out their emotions, plans, expectations, and relationships, I feel like I get to hear everything going on in everyone's life without even needing to ask. It could just be my cynical nature from growing up in a home where you're never really safe, but I just don't trust anyone anymore and the saddest part about that is I'm usually right. I just don't trust people anymore because it seems as though everyone has something to gain off of me, like securities are treasures I can't afford. Someone I once madly loved continually told me that I have too many insecurities, but it's hard not to when all your dreams have been criticized, when all your ambitions were seen as silly dreams, and all your emotions become weaknesses unappreciated. I just don't trust people. It's not that I don't want to trust people, but I do it so sparingly that when I actually let myself go I ALWAYS end up getting hurt. Some may say that this is an over exaggeration, but I know when I'm over exaggerating and this is not one of those moments. I believe that we all want some kind of safety, some kind of assurance that some things will stay, to protect you, to make you feel safe. Like a warm embrace on a cold winter evening, like a packed lunch on your way to school, like a bright smile coming from someone you love, you just need something to know that everything will end alright. I think that my one Christmas wish this year is to have that comfort, the comfort that I should've had for years, the comfort that comes with consistency, not spur of the moment self gratitude that so often gets shared. I'm having a hard time deciding if it's even worth being comforted for a short period of time if the only result always leaves you alone and neglected. I think this is why you date, why you get married, and why you grow old together, because there comes a time when you need someone you can count on, someone that's there for you, whether you're fat, bald, wrinkly, or perfectly beautiful, a constant. And to go along with that, perhaps that's the reason for divorce, for breaking up, because people don't feel safe anymore, and although those words don't come to mind, something inside of you is telling you that you've lost something extremely important. Can you feel safe with the person you're with? My toes are frozen and there's nothing I'd like more on this earth than to have someone to cuddle, drink hot cocoa, watch a movie, and fall asleep with. Maybe in that beautiful future that someone else has planned out for me... Until then, this is my comfort philosophy in a tea cup

For the better

Sometimes, I feel forgotten, like the whole world would do just fine without me. It's a feeling I know very well, the feeling that if you didn't open your mouth and scream people wouldn't notice you were there in the first place. I don't want to be forgotten, I don't want to be a fleeting moment that was Conrad. I think this is something that we can all relate to. It feels so good just to know you're on someone's mind, that someone is constantly thinking about you, but it's so painful to know that in fact no one is thinking about you, that you've become a convenience of someone else's time. Maybe I'm being overdramatic, or maybe I'm saying exactly what everyone is thinking. I wish I knew. Sometimes I wonder just how much my life is worth. I wonder if I've made any real difference on this earth in the short time I've been on it. Then again, maybe it's a good thing, being forgotten, you no longer have attachments, no one is expecting anything from you, and starting over is easy when you never started in the first place. What have I done? All I've done is wasted so much time doing things that were of no consequence to anyone, nothing I've done couldn't have been done by someone else. Indisposable, we all want to be indisposable, something that becomes necessary in someone else's life just so we can say that someone in fact needs us. It feels so good to be needed, despite how selfish that sounds. Who's to say we can't be selfish? Perhaps we deserve a time to ourselves where we think about what we want, what we need, what we deserve. Sometimes I can find myself staring at the ceiling for hours with only my thoughts to converse with. Maybe it's the good thing, the right thing, the decent thing, to let people forget you. There are people I wish I could forget, people that I loved, people that I hated, people that betrayed me, people that I trusted, what a world to be able to run from your memories and hide in the deepest corner of your mind. Would you really? " 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Is that true? I wouldn't know, I've never been able to ask myself just how it felt to be ignorant, to never love someone. Children are happy, somehow going day to day completely ignorant of the trials that face them they are happy, isn't life the same way? If I never fell in love with her it wouldn't hurt so much, it wouldn't feel like everytime I saw something that reminded me of her a pufferfish were living in my heart, exdpanding and sending sharp pains of emotion through every vein in my body. I'll never wonder what if with her, I knew all the what ifs, except "what if she stayed." That is a what if I refuse to entertain, and what if she came back? Would I be strong enough to say no? Would I be strong enough to keep my heart cold and bitter and not allow another attempt at my castle wall I've hidden so fondly in? Let it go, that's what they tell me, but you can't let something go when it has become a part of you. Screw you Shakespeare. And this is my memory philosophy in a tea cup.

I couldn't stop if I wanted to

I think it's almost an addiction. We're kind of born with it aren't we? That want to be loved by someone. It starts when we're young and our infant mind only wants a parental body to pay attention to us. Though strangely dependent, the desire for love from another is something you just get used to. It becomes something so regular and almost expected. But this kind of desire for love most definitely changes into something so much more. It becomes a desire to hold someones hand, to hear someones voice, to be near someone just to feel their body close enough to touch. Taken out of context this would seem extremely bizarre and irregular, but when connotated with love it's as certain as growing up. Everyone thinks about it, it's one of the things that keeps us similar, human if you will. It's impossible to escape this wanting, like running from your shadow it will only get you so far. The sadness comes from the inhuman animalistic drive that makes even the greatest of men into nothing more than a prowling creature, stalking its prey to satisfy their own needs only. Something pure and somehow beautiful becomes something defiled, an emotion that turns into a true addiction, a habit that can't be kicked. It pains one to see someone so possessed by something that used to be a pure expression of emotion. Love has a purpose, and can be used improperly. You feel it when you take advantage of someone, or when you tell someone you love them but know all too well in your heart it isn't true. It's a misuse of something greater than science or mathematics that passes into the realm of Gods. Perhaps that is what love truly is, the power of Gods. So powerful, sought after like ambrosia or El Dorado. Prometheus brought fire to man, perhaps that is why everyone describes love as a fire. Playing with fire can get you burnt and anyone joining the game of love will know that burning yourself is as easy as three powerful words. Love has the power to break down the walls of insecurity, the power to connect no longer through words, but through thoughts and actions. But enough about love, I'm sick of the subject anyway. Today was another struggle through life but everyday brings me closer to something I want to be. Making decisions I know are mine brings a self satisfaction almost laughable. One would think that this juvenile feeling of freedom is something that passes overtime and perhaps it does. I'm one who likes to consider my role in life and in fact act my age. Stop telling me to grow up and act like an adult when I haven't actually reached that stage in my life yet. I believe that people act the way that they are treated, whether it's conscious or not. If you want someone to treat you a certain way, act the way you want to be treated, but it also works vice versa. If you want someone to act a certain way, treat them like that. It's a well known philosophy that you can't love someone that deosn't want to be loved, so if you want something, be something. And that's my love/acting philosophy in a tea cup.

Part of your world?

It was the strangest thing today. I went back to my old high school and never realized just how dull a place it really is. I went to pick up a CD from my high school director and chat about my new show, etc. and the second I walked in the building I felt the dread I knew so well consume every inch of my now freed body. The truth is, high school really is a prison. You're there to learn character skills and social capabilities, not math, science or history. High school has become a place where imagination and free thought go to die. I realized this when I was in my mathematics class this last semester. One of the students was continuously talking to another student with an extremely relevant conversation, finally, the conversation ended and they both had a greater comprehension of the course material. I believe that it is the best way to learn, from another person that is still learning. There is a way that gets lost to teachers, a way of teaching the way that people learn. Instead teachers believe that they are there to pour out their infinite knowledge into the tiny container that is the human mind. This gets lost in the high school halls. I think we can deal with the smelly halls, the constant drama, the wretched food, and the incessant nagging, but once you've taken away someone's right to learn for themselves, you've defeated the purpose of schooling. The best way I would describe a high school student is, a good sport. Willing to play by the rules despite the fact that they are of no relevant importance to anyone, willing to learn and remain seated and respectable for hours at a time but still silent and ignore confrontational impulses, high school students have become the perfect machine. Not all high schoolers are like this, but the ones that decide to rebel know that it's the right thing but are uncertain as to how to instigate in the correct manner. I've also found myself losing a large amount of respect for those who in fact go with the flow of high school. Never questioning the motives of those around you and always doing what you are told doesn't breed an outstanding person, it simply breeds fear and submission to a system that no one understands. I liken it to the right to vote, just because they can, doesn't mean they will. Someday it may come down to the fact that because they believe their opinion doesn't matter they will stop voicing it and eventually even this "Real World" will become only a high school on a much larger scale. Feel free to stir up some emotion, find the need to agitate a teacher, look for reasons disagree, otherwise we all become the laughing working marionette of industries stage. Act 1 Scene 1, the coward enters. And that's my corporate philosophy in a tea cup.

Play with them

Stars and the Moon? Ever heard of it? It's a song about thinking you know just what you want and finally you get it, but it turns out that it may have been what you wanted, but not what you really needed. It's a sad story with a really good moral. It's a good song and I highly recommend it, but that's not the point. The point is that today I think I learned that there's a huge difference between what I've wanted and what I need. Today I suffered through my finals and when it was all over it felt like the whole world could just open up to me and my only limit was my imagination. As the seasons change I find myself becoming more of a romantic, leaving everything behind and starting something new that I can be proud of, living a life that I perhaps couldn't live forever, but a time for self searching. Living somewhere no one knows your name, where you discover who you are, find a new hobby, a new love, and just live. It's an idea of doing for once in your life everything you've always wanted to do. I guess you could call that a bad philosophy, taking zero accountability and running from life, but beauty is in the beholder, why not life as well? So you'll see, one of these days I'll escape into the great unknown, secrets just waiting to be discovered! I feel okay leaving my life the way it is right now, I feel that everyone in my life right now would be okay without me for a while, because that is my warning for those of you planning on following in my footsteps. Make sure you don't "leave" your life, make sure it can carry on fine without when you leave. Don't leave loved ones wondering, don't leave friends lonely and without. It's such a wonderful feeling to take on a new reality that becomes you. I've done it several times before and I'm convinced that everyone needs to try it at least once. So often we get stuck doing what we've always been doing and lose those experiences that dictate who we want to become. Take some time to find what you've always looked for. Climb a mountain, go sky diving, swim in the ocean, lay in a field all by yourself, things that really make you respect the world you live in! It's beautiful if you're willing to see it. I'm just glad that things are really going well, everyone I talk to has a story of how lovely life is right now, and I hope everyone reading this feels the same way! Well, I'm going to go eat some food and maybe listen to some more good beats! Dance, sing, laugh, love, that's the stuff you need for a happy life. And that's just my philosophy in a tea cup.

A little off track

If procrastinating were a marketable trade I would probably be the head of my field. I spent the night talking through my troublesome life with a very close friend. Exchanging stories like frat boys exchange phone numbers I felt a connection you can only feel when you pour out your heart to someone you feel safe respecting. Sadly the downfall of this would be the fact that I was up again until about five o clock in the morning. This was needless to say a big mistake, you see, college has deemed it fit to stress out millions of Americans by hosting their quarterly "Finals." Ask any human that has suffered through these treacherous times and they will simply tell you "They are treacherous times." These "Finals" are supposed to be revered and studied for diligently, however, going to sleep at five and waking up at one in the afternoon is probably not the greatest technique for studying. As I stated before I woke up at one and not wanting to seem lazy and lethargic I dawned my mask of "busy" upon my face and march up the stairs looking as though I had been up for hours, which of course was not the case. But in the midst of all these moments of tricking others and myself into believing things that are less than true something seemed to hit me even more than the smell of fast food wafting in the kitchen air. (I despise missing fast food day) Perhaps my life is taking a turn for the better. Events have taken over my life that may have worn out my life and perhaps shaved a few years off, but now it seems that the storm is over and the final drizzles of the rain are finally subsiding. I'm very particular about people that I allow into my life and I suppose you could call me the "tester of people." I enjoy seeing how people will act toward me supposing I don't act the way I ought to. I commend a truthful person, not one afraid to express how they feel in all situations. As I surround myself with people that I truly trust with my life I feel a safety and security that isn't always apparent in an ever growing deceiving world. Returning to my point, I feel a wave of relief sweep over me as the test results for my cancerous mother come back come back negative, as I realize that after these finals I have nothing but time, and after each day there is a someone waiting for me to find them and hide them in the safety of my arms. A dimmer present leads to a brighter future that only seems to grow with each proceeding second. I can honestly say right now that life is a much brighter shade of blue than the previous gray weeks. They say that when one door closes another opens and here I am to let everyone know that this is not a philosophy but a fact. Starting from the basics I found out that my dear mother had cancerous cells in her and they may have infiltrated her liver bringing a huge weight upon my self and the rest of my family. Only a few days later I missed the opportunity to say goodbye to a friend that I won't be able to see for two years and the only communications we're allowed to have is through letters and e-mails. A shelter that I had fled to when in need of hiding has finally collapsed and I found myself alone. Finally to top off the disaster one day later a girl that I had fallen in love with told me that she hadn't time for me and we needed to go seperate ways for a bit. A life that once was full had fallen into an empty glass I couldn't get a hold of. But today the world was once again on my string being toted like a child pulls his red flyer to the park. As I stated before, my mother is fine, I've found a great friend I can trust in that has shown me that just because someone has left you it doesn't mean you have to be alone, and I've been reintroduced to an amazing woman that reminds me that smiling is easy with the right person. I know that no one likes to hear that it's sunny when they have a cloud stuck over their head that just seems unable to leave. I just want to say to everyone that good things will happen if you let them. And that's my philosophy in a tea cup.

Jump!

Waking up this morning was much more a daunting task than the decision to fall asleep last night. Isn't that just so how it is? It's the action before that comes so easily, starting us on the path down, yet the finish seems perhaps the hardest part. I will confess this is not the case for all things, however, the start of events are often the easiest part. There are two kinds of people in this world, jumpers and walkers. I use this analogy for the sake of my infatuation for waterfall jumping. There are three parts to waterfall jumping. First is the Run. The run is what really defines a person, the fact that we're able to suck up our fears and turn them into pure, sincere, courage. This is the point where we decide if we want to take the consequences that face us after the run. On the other spectrum of this living standard is what we call the walkers. People that walk to the edge, stare down the falls and reason with themselves whether or not they can survive the fall. The greatest difference between them comes after their initial decision. Any runner will tell you that there is a certain thrill you don't fell when you walk. However, walking or running, they have both decided to take the chance of jumping. However, there are also two kinds of jumpers. The first jumpers we like to call the closed jumpers, the ones that jump, but don't want to see the result. They still feel the rush of the wind blowing past, and they've made the decision but are willing to close their eyes and hide from the results. Of course the second jumper is the eyes opened death staring jumper, facing all of their problems and waiting for the results to come, fully appreciating the whole experience, the whole way down only waiting for the opportunity only to jump again. Finally we reach the reason we ran and jumped. The splash. No one can explain the sheer joy that comes from the splash, it just is. We all want that rush of unexplained joy, that happiness when you hit the water and every thought, every decision we've ever made bowls down and disappears in that one second. Everything becomes clear and whether you're a runner or a walker, you crave that experience one more time.