Lilac Wine...

There's a song by Jeff Buckley called "Lilac Wine" One of the lines is "When I think more than I wanna think, I do things I never should do, I drink much more than I ought to drink, because it brings me back you." Sometimes I feel that way, like I drink much more than I oughta drink because somehow the pain reminds me that I've still got feelings, and if I hurt myself enough she might someday know my pain. All it takes is one sip, and then you're hooked. Sweet and heady, like my love. I would like to apologize for anyone I have led on or brought to believe that I was dedicated and in love with. I apologize because no one I have done this to is old enough to experience that and I put them in a position far beyond their years. So here is a question, are we a result of our surroundings, or are our surroundings a result of us? Do we choose where we are and where we live, or do we learn to choose the places we grew up? I am nothing like my father, I can tell you that right now, so if you love my father, it would probably be hard to get along with me. I say this because he and I are complete opposites, yet, am I an opposite because that is my soul and I was inherently made of a soul make up that way, or am I naturally oppositional and that's why I'm different? I don't know, so now I ask, why are you the way you are? Do we love who we love because they remind us of someone? Or do we love them because they are the least like someone else? Did we know them before we were here? Or are we just learning what we find beauty in? All my life I wished that there was someone, a perfect someone that I knew before I was me, in the cosmic coincidences that make up my entire existence. Maybe I was once a child that did great things, that aspired to all the challenges I was faced with, maybe I met a beautiful and amazing young woman that loved me as much as I loved her. Maybe I was Romeo and she was Juliet and after death we now have to find each other in this life. I don't know, maybe it's the romantic in me. But I am sorry for those of you whom I have had fall for me. I do not mean to put up facades, often times I try only to be nice to everyone and it often times becomes misinterpreted as affection. Even on occasion people fall for me because they believe that I am some vast and endless tree of knowledge that will find them happiness. I'm sorry that this is all a lie, I wish I could help everyone, and I wish that there were more people on this earth that weren't afraid to feel, to love, and to think. But I want you all to know that I'm searching for someone, I don't know who, but I will know when I find her. I once heard that a girl I knew was given a promise that if she did what was right, if she stayed in the right path, she would find the one she loved in heaven. This makes me fill with joy as I think of those we must have loved in heaven. But I also realized that I did not want to be the one that stood in the way of her finding her one true love. I don't want anyone stopping me from finding mine either, so here I make a solemn promise, that all I do, and all that will be done, will be to find what I have been looking for and put aside selfish carnal desires, no longer flirting for attention or cuddling for warmth, but making every moment worth something. No flippancy nor cast asides, but everything with a meaning. I know that there will be people that will read this and think "That's exactly what I'm looking for" Do NOT think me a man of greatness or what you are looking for. I am just Connor, nothing more, nothing less, do not think of me as a statue for which to build your life. I am only here to tell you that this is now the time where you conduct yourself in the same manner. Stop throwing away precious moments of life with people you have no intentions of staying with, don't waste another kiss on a new love of the week, find meaning in everything, take in the roses and blue skies, and be there when your love comes to call. Walking will only get you out the front door, but love can make you fly. Again, good luck. This is my compassionate philosophy in a tea cup.