Garden of Eden

Garden of Eden. It's a tea I found in Hungary, and it's REALLY good. Anyway, the point is that as I sip this tea, I think about what that really is, the Garden of Eden. Truly an intriguing story. It is a time where complete innocence is tempted to do something that isn't right. We know that through this story, without someone tempting us to do evil, we wouldn't necessarily do it, until it becomes addiction, kind of like my addiction to this tea so promptly placed next to me. From this story we can only deduct that we are inherently good people, right? Sadly we now find ourselves in a world that will do everything it can to addict us to something. Whether it's tobacco, alcohol, drugs, or any other kind of addicting stimulant, the point of it is to numb us and kick us out of our Garden of Eden. I once heard that when we have any kind of addiction or passion, feeding it dulls the part of our mind that governs choice and morality. What once was noble and good, resisting the urge to do something you shouldn't, has now become foolish and ancient. The idea of "giving in" to our carnal pleasures has become an idea of poetic acclaim, being hoisted up and mounted on a pedestal of expression and freedom. What a pity. I sip the tea with the idea that control is something we are losing. Self control is now becoming a rarity and we are starting to not only ignore the side of us that helps us maintain sanity, but we are feeding the side that prompts us to be selfish, barbaric, wanting, and driven. Romance is no longer about finding the one you love, but finding the one that causes your fire to burn, makes you desire, and feed. Unnerving, isn't it? And yet as I sip this tea, I taste the purity that comes from the flavor it has, something that can't be tainted, that isn't obscure, that wants only to do what it was meant to do. There are things that will not be tainted. As humans we are given that wonderful ability to choose what we want to do, and yet with that ability comes a responsibility to use that power for the betterment of others. All too often we see those doing all that they can to make themselves feel better, instead of looking for a valiant way to help those around them. Tea is pure, tea is decent, you don't have to tell tea to grow because that's what it does. Yet we are humans, we are here to love one another with a pure love, to bring happiness to the world around us. Wake up each morning with a selfless attitude and see where it gets you. The tree does not ask for money after it gives it's shade, the water doesn't abandon you when you've finished swimming, and the sun doesn't stop it's rays when you didn't help it shine in china. We need to learn our purpose. We have a natural desire to do things that are harmful to others when we've taken that first bite of the apple, but more natural than this is our joy in helping others. Relinquishing what we want, and emphasizing what we can do for others is a joy that no drug can imitate, no alcohol can wash away, and no seductive evening can replace. Work hard for it! As a species that has the ability to truly shape the future of this planet, we have the indisputable task of making things better, but not one man can do it alone. When people begin to wake up and realize that this isn't about you, it isn't about me, it's about us, then we will rise to the true potential that we've been afraid to unlock all these years. Do something pure, do something kind, and learn what love is before selfishness destroys us. Yes, that feeling and rush that comes from doing something wicked is quick and relieving, but death can be just as quick, and even more so relieving. You might ask then, how do I overcome these habits? What am I to do when I've spent so much time living this way? I've already taken too many bites, how do I get back? I can only say that the way back to a life untainted and whole is through getting back habits you lost, and crushing the idea of selfishness as it comes. Whenever we find ourselves daydreaming about self satisfaction, go out and help someone, as soon as possible. Go to the person closest to you and ask if you can help them. Find a way to counteract the stimulus in your brain to stop feeding the bad, and start feeding the good. If you recall in the story of the Garden of Eden, that sly snake was the only voice present, there was no one else there to help on the other side. When living in a state of innocence, there is no good and there is no bad, therefore when the first sign of one of the two is manifest, it will undoubtedly overpower the other until the latter becomes present. NURTURE THAT LATTER!! Too often is the side of addiction present, too often is the idea of selfish wants and needs presented in our world. It has become more important now than it ever has been before that there be an equal balance. Right now the yin and the yang are not monitored, the self desire and gratification is ever more present than the helping of others and the assisting those in need. Both seem normal, but only one can last. I'll let you decide. This is my Philosophy in a Tea Cup, dreaming in Eden.

I rate my pain at SEVERE!!

In case you didn't know I got my wisdom teeth out the other day. This wasn't just some regular wisdom teeth thing though, I had to be there at 5:30 AM and then get tested on a new pain medication they were experimenting on and I was one of the guinea pigs. Hooray for modern science. Of course being the idiot that I was, there was another research program going on that had to do with PK testing and checking my blood for the drug in my blood stream. This means a constant IV inside of my arm for easy access to my blood stream. I think the nurse was hitting on me because she said I have "nice veins" which was very nice of her to say, but because of my "nice veins" they allowed the interns to poke and stab me as well. Every 15 minutes the first two hours, every half hour the next few hours, and then every hour until about 1:30 am when they finally let me sleep. The fact of the matter is, I was overcoming all of my fears at once, the fear of needles, the fear of medication, the fear of darkness, all of those fears were suddenly conquered expect for one. The one fear I have never, and most likely will never be able to get rid of. The fear of being alone. The truth is, despite the fact that there were people coming in to check on me every hour or so, I had never felt so completely alone. Confined to an 8 by 10 room, I had never felt so secluded. I think I now understand why they have all those stories about the kings that just want to get away, because although there were people waiting on me hand and foot, they weren't THERE for me, does that make sense? I realized that the pain of my jaw, the humiliation of knowing that I looked like some kind of puffer fish, and the sheer disgust of knowing that I was going to stay in this little bed doing nothing but watching movies and early morning television didn't hurt as much as knowing that I had no one to share it with. So here's where I make it personal to you. Don't forget the friends you have, don't ask to be alone, and don't seclude yourself for any reason. We may all be unique, but we all have someone that we relate to on some level, someone that we can talk to, someone to pass the time with, and someone that makes us laugh every time they open their mouths. What I didn't mention is that when they came in to take my blood every so often, they asked me to rate my pain. I of course told them that it was mild, but reflecting back, I came to an idea, how would you really rate your pain? I mean in life, look back on all the things that have happened, that have hurt you, that have scarred you, and rate your pain. You'll find that it's often much greater than you'd like it to be. Unfortunately you can't just take Ibuprofen to make it go away, but there is a medication, a daily dose of those you love, and those that love you every hour of every day. With a little rest and some good food, you should feel better by the end of the day. Don't let people go, don't make people wait, don't crowd your life with busy tasks that take you from seeing those you love. Life is too short to be spent on things that don't make you happy. Make time in your schedule every day where you talk to your friends, talk with your family, and share what's been bothering you all these years. Friends can take that pain away, and suddenly, you'll find that the rating of your pain will decrease significantly. I promise that what I'm telling you is in fact the truth, and there is no pain that a good friend cannot cure. Let it go, and let others in. I didn't say this was easy, but it can happen with persistence and hard work. And even though I may not always be there for all of my friends, I'm sure they know that there will always be a place they can confide in deep within my heart. And this is my medical philosophy in a tea cup

The places you have come to fear the most

Sometimes I think that I have to do the right thing more often than what I actually want to do. I'm still pushing some people away, far less people than I used to, but still I push people away. I think I'm doing the right thing. If someone had cut you, cut you really deep, and then wanted you to trust them again, how should you react? None the less when it seems the reason they want you back in their lives is out of guilt. I don't want to be that person. I want people to be amiable toward me because they feel the courage and determination to let someone into their lives, not because they feel bad for ignoring me all this time. I want purity in my life, something untainted and noble. It's so hard to find these days, but if I do find it I want to hold on to it forever. The places I used to hide have become the places I try to avoid. Sometimes we need to work through things though, and as strange as it is we sometimes need proof. Proof that someone is willing to work for you, someone is willing to prove that there are no ulterior motives. I've always hated having to prove things, but in human nature it is well known that if you've broken someone's trust you should try hard to get it back. I've been trying these past couple months to gain back trusts I have lost, and I will tell you it isn't easy. But day in and day out I want to prove that I can be a better person, be more than me. Maybe I'll never be perfect, I know I'm not now, but I believe that sometimes the desire is the greatest step to becoming. Maybe I've made life hard on myself, but I know that nothing easy is really worth having. I hope to become a trustworthy, honest, respectable, and noble person. It may take me a while, but I'm trying. I always love analogies and I recently thought of one that goes something like "Sometimes getting the short straw means that you're lucky you didn't get the straw that broke the camel's back. Never give up on your aspirations and always look to the future for what your potential truly is. This is my last blog for the month. I leave in a little less than three weeks, but I hope to return to my blog when I get back. Many thanks for reading this month, an awful lot has happened. And this is my striving philosophy in a tea cup

She sells sea shells

Today I was thinking, have you ever held a sea shell up to your ear to see if it really did sound like the ocean? I've done it, since the days of my youth I've combed the beach for conch shells that can hold the ocean in your ear. I take them home, and when I'm feeling discouraged, or lonely, or lost, I hold it up to my ear and know that I have a home far away from here on peaceful shores. We all listen to the shell for different reasons. For some people it's an escape, a way to hide from everything that's around us and BE at the ocean dipping our feet in the waves and collecting shells much like the one held up to your ear. Some people do it to remember, to remember what it was like to be on a beach with their friends and family and smell the sand and the ocean waves. For other people it's a dream, an ambition to go to those shores and get away from everyone and everything they know. Whatever your reason, I hope it brings you happiness. There's so much in this world unexplored, so much left a mystery. We all have things that remind us, things that help us get through the days and nights. Sometimes we hold them so close that we almost hurt ourselves just to get as close to our dreams as possible. We can't be on those shores, not yet. There's a reason we are where we are and a purpose to what we are doing. So much of what we do affects those around us. There are places that I miss, and I will probably miss them for a very long time, perhaps even forever, but I will always have those memories, those shells letting me know that there was once a place that I looked out on, and saw nothing but possibilities and aspirations. We will never know the confines of our own cage until we've seen our walls from the outside, but we decide whether the cage is to keep us in, or keep pain out. Find the things that bring you joy, the people that make you smile, don't distort your relationships because they are hard to get back. Do what makes you happy and give all your love and patience to those you care about. The things in life worth keeping are the ones worth fighting for, never give up if you've found what makes you happy. And strangely enough, the things you thought you've lost and forgotten have a peculiar way of coming back. The waves go out, and they come back in, you can't force them to stay, but you can wait until they come back to you. And This is my ripple philosophy in a tea cup.

These words I dedicate

They say that misery loves company. Then why do I want to be completely alone and talk to no one? There's been something off this entire week, something just wasn't right, and then I get the news that a very close friend of mine has passed away. He shouldn't have died. I've said this so many times and it's still true. Because someone was somewhere they shouldn't have been my friend is now dead. I won't be able to crack jokes, laugh, discuss, get into trouble, or hang out with him again. People keep telling me all these things that are supposed to cheer me up, supposed to make me feel better. I've used them several times myself. "He's in a better place" "This is how it was meant to be" "God has a purpose." Maybe it's true, but this changes nothing. My friend is dead because someone was running from the cops and hit him while he was driving home. This kid had ambition, he was just about to get a mission call, he had a girl that loved and supported him. And now, like a flicker in a flame, he's gone, leaving a little more darkness in our days. I spent the whole day today thinking about it, thinking that there was something I could have done. If only I had invited him over to hang out, maybe he wouldn't have been on that street, if only I had stalled him by one minute by calling and asking what he was doing. All of these "if only's" played in my head over and over. It did me no good, but it made me think about all the good times we had. I wonder if I'm too dramatic about all of this, if I'm thinking too much and that I should just let everything go. Then again I've always been like this. But this wasn't right. Life is too short to leave to chance, we need to take the time we have with our loved ones and make them memories that will never change. Don't taint the good things you have, don't ruin friendships because of quarrels or relationships. Breath a little deeper, taste a little longer, and take that second chance to catch every moment that would in other light pass you by. He's gone, there's nothing I can do, no bargaining, no restitution, and nothing to compensate for the emptiness that has been left in all our hearts. We all die, we've always known it. No one knows when or how, but it will happen. It was people like Derek that left a mark, something to remind us that we can be a better person, that life can be lead in a way that we will leave this world and our final thought will be "Did I become the best version of me?" The fact that hit me hard was that Derek was going to have a beautiful life. A great family, friends, happiness, and blessings were all in store for him. I suppose you could say that he's reaping what he has sewn in heaven, but that just isn't good enough for me. I'll never be satisfied and this is something that will irk me for quite some time. But I know that Dereks happy, I know that he is now far ahead of me in knowledge, wisdom, maturity, and over all virtue. I will never meet a kid like Derek again, but then again, I think that's what he wanted.

I reflect a lot, you'd think I was a mirror

I pulled a double today, big mistake. I don't usually use this blog as a journal entry, but I still would like to mention I pulled a double. ANYWAY, I think that today is a day for reflection of how far we've come. We often make resolutions and forget all about them the next week unless it's something extremely important to us. So think back to all the things you said, all the promises you made, and remember how much you meant them, how often you kept them, and how much better you're going to do now that you remember them. I often feel like I've been cheated, not necessarily by God, but by people, like they deliberately lied to me and somehow expect me to trust them. A warning to anyone getting to know me, I will ALWAYS respect you right off the bat, but once you've deceived me or conned me, I have a hard time respecting you. I'm bitter sometimes. So I'm sorry to those whom I've been bitter to, but... You deserved it Haha. As for deeper reflection, I would like to take this opportunity to tell everyone just how lovely this world is. It's a scary place, no doubt, but around every turn is another mystery of exquisite beauty and aww inspiring moments. The grass is growing, the kids are laughing, and the sun still rises and sets every day. I think my only complaint about this world is how BIG it is, there are friends that I would really like to spend time with, really like to catch up with, and really like to spend hours in meadows making funny shapes out of the clouds. I wish I could do this with all my friends, but alas, too many live in Utah, and too many live in New York, so getting them all together would be quite the hassle. I want people to remember who their friends were, why they were friends, and the great adventures they had. On a tangent, I would like to ask, is there anything you ever cried for? Crying is such a confusing emotion, it happens when you're the saddest of sad, and the happiest of happy. It's an emotion that takes over the whole body. I remember all the times I've cried, it's an emotion I know very well. It's not easy for me to admit, but I tend to cry a bit. Although I can't cry with onions and such which really stings because my tear ducts are broken in that area. But I think back on the moments that I've cried, and almost every situation was a turning point in my life, a moment where I became "Conrad's Philosophies" Let all your tears be from happiness, don't let yourself be down and out for things that are soon going to pass you by. They say that God counts the tears of his children, and I would like to make everyone mourn a little less, and cry with joy a little more. I can't do this alone, I'm only one lost soul in the vast and endless space that is life, but I think that if I can get my words, these words out to those it may help, the internet will become a powerful tool for the good of mankind. Here's hoping, This is my scattered philosophy in a tea cup.

Lilac Wine...

There's a song by Jeff Buckley called "Lilac Wine" One of the lines is "When I think more than I wanna think, I do things I never should do, I drink much more than I ought to drink, because it brings me back you." Sometimes I feel that way, like I drink much more than I oughta drink because somehow the pain reminds me that I've still got feelings, and if I hurt myself enough she might someday know my pain. All it takes is one sip, and then you're hooked. Sweet and heady, like my love. I would like to apologize for anyone I have led on or brought to believe that I was dedicated and in love with. I apologize because no one I have done this to is old enough to experience that and I put them in a position far beyond their years. So here is a question, are we a result of our surroundings, or are our surroundings a result of us? Do we choose where we are and where we live, or do we learn to choose the places we grew up? I am nothing like my father, I can tell you that right now, so if you love my father, it would probably be hard to get along with me. I say this because he and I are complete opposites, yet, am I an opposite because that is my soul and I was inherently made of a soul make up that way, or am I naturally oppositional and that's why I'm different? I don't know, so now I ask, why are you the way you are? Do we love who we love because they remind us of someone? Or do we love them because they are the least like someone else? Did we know them before we were here? Or are we just learning what we find beauty in? All my life I wished that there was someone, a perfect someone that I knew before I was me, in the cosmic coincidences that make up my entire existence. Maybe I was once a child that did great things, that aspired to all the challenges I was faced with, maybe I met a beautiful and amazing young woman that loved me as much as I loved her. Maybe I was Romeo and she was Juliet and after death we now have to find each other in this life. I don't know, maybe it's the romantic in me. But I am sorry for those of you whom I have had fall for me. I do not mean to put up facades, often times I try only to be nice to everyone and it often times becomes misinterpreted as affection. Even on occasion people fall for me because they believe that I am some vast and endless tree of knowledge that will find them happiness. I'm sorry that this is all a lie, I wish I could help everyone, and I wish that there were more people on this earth that weren't afraid to feel, to love, and to think. But I want you all to know that I'm searching for someone, I don't know who, but I will know when I find her. I once heard that a girl I knew was given a promise that if she did what was right, if she stayed in the right path, she would find the one she loved in heaven. This makes me fill with joy as I think of those we must have loved in heaven. But I also realized that I did not want to be the one that stood in the way of her finding her one true love. I don't want anyone stopping me from finding mine either, so here I make a solemn promise, that all I do, and all that will be done, will be to find what I have been looking for and put aside selfish carnal desires, no longer flirting for attention or cuddling for warmth, but making every moment worth something. No flippancy nor cast asides, but everything with a meaning. I know that there will be people that will read this and think "That's exactly what I'm looking for" Do NOT think me a man of greatness or what you are looking for. I am just Connor, nothing more, nothing less, do not think of me as a statue for which to build your life. I am only here to tell you that this is now the time where you conduct yourself in the same manner. Stop throwing away precious moments of life with people you have no intentions of staying with, don't waste another kiss on a new love of the week, find meaning in everything, take in the roses and blue skies, and be there when your love comes to call. Walking will only get you out the front door, but love can make you fly. Again, good luck. This is my compassionate philosophy in a tea cup.