At least you've still got your dreams

It's just another day in the life of me. Here I am, finding passions in music and theatre and involved in NEITHER! They were my drugs, what kept me going. I'm going through withdrawal, hallucinations, hard times standing up, out of breath easily, without music and theatre I'm a wreck! A substantial part of my life is spent dreaming, but someday I will make every dream a reality. I'm going to be a great actor, I'm going to make music, I'm going to live in New York with an amazing family and a cool dog we'll name Captain Stoobing. That's how it's going to be. If I can just make it through these next few years I should make it to see my dreams come true. I just hope and pray everyday that I haven't already screwed myself up too much to make these dreams reality. Today I probably ruined my voice on Rock Band, but let's be honest, who hasn't? I look back on the past few relationships I've been a part of, and if I remember who I am and what I do, I will realize that every single one has taught me something. I want someone fiery, but knows when to quit, active, but knows when to stop and take in the good moments, funny, but knows when it's better to let the silence do all the talking. I know that this is asking too much, but I can dream, and maybe this too will come true. All I can do now is hope, I hope that someday everyone finds the dreams they're looking for, those goals that they still kept in their hearts despite all the opposition that the world had shoved in their faces. Someday all my desires will surface and I can sit back, take a look at my life and say "Thanks, that was good." Until then, I'll live with allergies, dry everything, horrible parents, being trapped somewhere I don't want to be, loveless, jobless, and all in all miserable. But hey, that's just my hoping philosophy in a tea cup.

Things Change

I would like to believe that for every death there is a new life. Today I found out that my sister is engaged to be married. Natasha Kubricky and JD McBride. Great Guy, I know he'll do his best to make her happy. It's so comforting to see that great things still happen every day. I'm still learning a lot about myself. I'm such an instinctive person that I will still do things without noticing I do them. I only sing when I'm happy, actually I should rephrase that, I only sing a lot when I'm happy. When a song I've known for years comes on, I can't help but sing along, but I only really sing when I'm happy. It's strange, but I have been with people that made me sing every two seconds, and I've been with people I thought I loved and never sang a note. Every day I miss NY, I dream about it, I think about it, I try not to talk about it, but I love it. I remember going back there this last summer and nearly crying when I landed in Vermont and saw all of those beautiful trees, the green enclosing the whole area round about. I used to think that High School love was ridiculous. I was right, it is, but I thought that it changed after that. It doesn't, college love is pretty ridiculous too. Alex told me a saying the other day that goes "Money spent on a girl before your mission is money spent on someone else's wife" It's so true. Is it good to give people chances? I realize that all I need is a chance, but doesn't that sound wrong? "Just give me a chance." Hmm, it sounds so needy and unlike me. I think I've grown up in a generation where no one is willing to work for anything. I was raised different from that, I knew from the beginning that if you want something you've got to work for it. I guess that's what I need to find, someone willing to work for something. I guess some people don't realize what they're saying when they say it. When a girl says she's "busy" what she means is she's too "busy" for you. When a girl says that she's more in love with the idea than love, that's the beginning of "so I'm not in love with you." They really treat us like we're stupid. Like we don't know what they're really saying. And when all is said and done they believe that an "I'm sorry" will make everything better. Apologies don't make the hurt go away. Maturity, it's ironic that this is the one thing that girls want when they're younger, and yet they withhold no maturity of their own. It seems that women want everything they aren't. I've lived in a life where if you want something you must also give it. Maybe that's asking too much, but I will never ask something of someone that I won't give myself. I just get really upset when people ask for things that they refuse to give themselves. Isn't that the same thing as hypocrisy? I surely don't know, but I'd like to think it is. I'm sitting here writing this blog and listening to horrible country gospel music wanting to break the speakers because of how painful it is, and yet, through all of this dischord, this disunity in my life, I feel like things aren't going to get much better. I have this horrible sinking feeling that I've been to where life gets as good as it gets and I've reached the pinnacle only to fall into a never ending spiral of dissatisfaction. The strangest thing of all is that I think I found out what I really want. Out of life, out of a relationship, out of a family, out of the world. I just want honesty, what I've always wanted and yet can't seem to get a hold of. I watched Once last night, and that Czech republic girl is very straight forward and burtally honest, and frankly I've never been so turned on in my entire life. Isn't it strange when honesty is a characteristic you have to look for? I believe that every relationship can work with pure honesty. No one wants to live in a world where they have to wonder if they really are loved. If you could hie to Kolob, would you still need my philosophy in a tea cup?

Too many "IF"s

At times I wish I could be more like my siblings. Natasha is so sure of what she wants and won't let her emotions get in the way. Alex is so determined and driven and willing to do what it takes to get what he wants. Nina is so outspoken even for a girl her age, and always willing to let people know what's on her mind. Amy just wants everyone to get along and despite her challenges she knows she has, wants to do her best. Ben has this attitude where everyone else is stupid, he has a complicated way with women where he can make any of them fall for him but be in no way attached. I'm just Conrad. That's me, I'm scared, I'm lazy, I'm weak, I'm low, and I'm confused. You could say that I'm the miserable one. But I think the reason I've been so miserable lately is because I have HAD wonderful. I've seen what my life can be like and at times things get so rough I almost start to believe that those good times were just a figment of my imagination, something that may have never happened but would have been great if they had. I wonder what I would've done differently. I had people that were there for me, I had people that cared about me, but I guess I just do better when people aren't around to see me. After every time I've broken up with someone important it has snowed. I guess that means I should stop getting involved during the winter huh? Haha, well I suppose it's just my luck. I don't have control over other people so that's just how the world turns. I have this habit of losing people that are close to me. Maybe growing up with only my family to talk to has made me into a person that only my family understands, which I use the term "understand" very loosely. Maybe I'm a workaholic and I don't know it yet because I haven't been working long enough. Maybe I'm one of those people that makes millions of dollars while pushing everyone else away. Maybe I'm thinking too hard. Maybe I don't think enough. Maybe this is just some sick kind of dream I've been stuck in. Maybe I won't live to see the end of it. Maybe this is my philosophy in a tea cup.

It all ends up the same

It's so ridiculous. Everything has ended the same. What makes you think that I'll be put on hold for you? It's so utterly idiotic! What really makes people think that I'm willing to just wait for someone to get their act together? I'm not someone's tool of convenience. I'm a forgiving person, but if you want my respect after betraying my trust you'd better have a really good reason for it. I've been attacked so brutally through these last few months that I probably won't recover. What makes anyone think that they can play this game with someone? Oh look! I've lost interest in you so I'm going to drive you away so that I can be with someone else. What a sick joke. Sometimes I would really just like to destroy something. Is it really that hard to be different? You've all ended up the same. It all comes up like a breath and down like the rain. I think I'm done. I've realized that nothing has changed. I found one of my old journal entries and I realized I'm right where I started. How pathetic. I think that it doesn't matter where you're from but where you are. I used to believe that I could find someone different if they weren't from Utah. I guess they were right. When in Rome. I haven't been given a single reason to trust anyone anymore. I suppose this could all be a good thing. Wanting is the first step that will always leave you where you don't want to be. I could be happy. Keep up, life is only so long and people are only so real. What's the difference between someone you'll never see and seeing people that aren't there? Life is one trick of the mind leading to another. What if everything you do is controlled? There's no point in complaining because there's nothing to do about it. I'm stuck where I am, living in some sad excuse for a life. I'm now simply a sad broken man with only the capability to wake up, eat, and sleep again. This is not the life I wanted to be a part of. I need something to keep me distracted. If I don't have time to realize just how much my life sucks the distraction simply makes life easier. Lover, you shouldn't have come. I am not someone's convenience. Stop wasting my time. Why are you surprised to leave me alone and then expect me to be there when you come back? Don't take me for an idiot. Take responsibility for your actions and live up to your own consequences. You've ruined what's left of me, broken and shattered I crawl to find my lost pieces. You've lost me. And this is my broken philosophy in a tea cup.

My mind needs a rest

What really defines us? Is it our thoughts? Is it our actions? Or is it possibly our thoughts during our actions? I feel like I've betrayed the world, like I'm just one huge disappointment waiting to happen. A man helping a woman carry her things simply because he wants her to owe him is wrong, right? The right things for the wrong reasons, the wrong thing for the right reasons, doing something wrong with whole hearted regret, or doing something right with only pride because of your own assumed superiority. Perhaps the Heroes fall the farthest, and the villains don't know any better. There are some things in my life that I feel no one will ever understand, almost like Van Gogh taken to the absence of light, the kelvin cold, and the pain of a thousand years of torture. No man on this earth can understand me. I'm ok with that, I've grown accustomed to it, but it still gives pause. Why can't I talk to someone? I suppose this is the purpose of these blogs. The self reaffirmation that I'm still alive, still coherent enough to know that insanity won't get me where I need to be and when all the doors and windows have closed this is my only vent. Subject to change. We signed an agreement when we were born. All things are subject to change. A pending sign hung just above our heads every minute of every day. You will always be left waiting for tomorrow. Death and Taxes. A penny saved is a penny just waiting to be handed off to someone else's pocket. We are the genuises that never had a clue, amused by our own brilliance. She's so perfect, he's so great, but what they do when the lights are dimmed and what the scarlet thoughts of yesteryear can penetrate only leave us scarred by the inconvieved notions of how it should have ended. Trapped in our shiny, perfectly white china just waiting to be devoured, catch every drop, with the saucer to make sure we won't stain anyone else. Stir and stir until we've fit the criteria for perfection, not too hot, not too cold. Sweetening us up, dabble in the milk to make it all a little easier to swallow. We couldn't make each other understand. Maybe we are all just... My Philosophy In A Tea Cup

A voice in the sky with our feet on the ground

I'm here on the train again. Fond memories on this train. Finding love, losing it, rekindling it, remembering days long past, feeling alone, feeling at peace, feeling loved. It's funny how inanimate objects might know us better than anyone else. If only they could speak. I wonder if stars get lonely, looking down on this world with nothing but themselves to keep company. Smiling, crying, cheering, witnessing the event of our seemingly inconsequential lives. Round and round, endless circles day in and day out, the quicker the time passes the longer you've been around. There are those days where it makes every moment seem too short, like time has changed, like you've been cheated out of a real day. 19 years, it all seems such a rush of blurring color and changing seasons. You really tend to miss things so insignificant. Sometimes I remember smells. Smells of the beach, smells of your clothes after swimming in the lake, smells of the ground right after it's rained, smells that blow through the trees, and smells of a traditional Sunday meal prepared by mom. It almost makes me want to cry when I remember these things, it may be quite some time before I get to see the places I've come to love so passionately. And yet all I want to do is take those people that I care for and share these experiences with them. There's so little happiness these days. It used to be that happiness would find you, but now you can spend days on end looking for it. It's so simple, a tree, a lake, a road, a house. Memories that haunt us and call us back, no resistance and no respect for our hearts. The five senses, maybe they're a curse placed on us. They all cause us pain. But wasn't there a time when we were so overjoyed? Ah, yes, I remember, nights cuddling on your parents bed, sanctuaries in tree houses, mornings of overly sugared cereal, nights of funny stories that always made us laugh while mom made us cocoa and cookies. You can't miss the things you've never had, but there isn't a moment in my life that I would trade for all the treasures on this planet. Well, maybe a few, but even those are rather important. All we need now are opportunities, chances to reveal our true character and perhaps persist to the end and never let go of the things that we love. Some are afraid of love, afraid that what they've found may be too good for them. But always remember, if we weren't worth it, we wouldn't find it. A pig in mud will always find mud, but someone always looking to the sky will never miss the stars. If you've found something lovely it's only because you're looking in the right place. Chase your dreams and make them reality. They say there's a land where no one wants to sleep because their reality is ten times better than any dream they could ever imagine. LOL, Live out Life. And this is my long train philosophy in a tea cup.

Something beyond ourselves

I could have sworn I saw the makings of a spring day just yesterday. The rain was falling, the roads were wet, and then suddenly, like a message from a loved one, the sun appears, bringing a warmth and glow that you only know from your memories. It breaks through the clouds like a door swinging open to a whole new world of possibilities. You really can't help but smile. It's as natural as sleeping in. The fact is, we really have so much to look forward to. I feel so old when I say this, but I am over joyed when I think of the phenomenal lives my friends will someday lead. There will be loves, losses, children, parents, in laws, parties, birthdays, graduations, and everything in between. Life is moments building upon moments. I have no right at this time to look for someone to share these moments with, but someday I will find someone, someone that becomes the ice cream with the cherries, the basis of all the moments enriched by the connection we can feel between two people. Because the truth is, I haven't found them yet, or better yet, I haven't truly found them or myself yet. They say that you can never truly know someone until you know yourself. I've got an awful lot of growing up to do. And those around me will have these same chances to grow as well. We may not be kids forever, but we can always be happy. Finding it is just a matter of looking. We never find what we don't want to look for. It is best to view every moment of your childhood as a fleeting moment to be cherished, but never coveted. I think the reason man has never invented time travel is because everything in life has a place. White gloves don't belong in red dye. Both have their place and their purpose, but the past belongs in the past, we belong in the present, and our dreams belong in the future. Our past is like the shadow, always with us and a part of us, following us down every byway. But when we focus too much on the shadow, we miss what's ahead. I would say that desires too early in life are little wastes of time waiting to happen. As a result of our uninterested minds in the things beyond ourselves our guardian angels reside. Whether metaphorically or realistically they are there. A constant force working for our betterment. Pushing us towards not what we want, but always what we need. Often times our lives seem troublesome and full of grief, seldom a moments peace, but then the storm subsides, we learn that fighting a hurricane is fruitless, but flowing in the tide will take us to lands unimagined. Blessings in disguise we call them. Naturally as humans we have set in our minds how life should unfold, how things should go. How then do we expect a Gods reward when we are unable to take the path required to achieve it? Too often we refuse to look beyond our own perception and we let our natural feelings take over what is actually necessary to achieve something beyond ourselves. When all the masks are stripped away and the metaphors revealed to the unknowing, it really comes down to one thing. We Do Not Want To Be Human. We don't, we've known it forever, we want something more, perhaps we DESERVE something more. So how then do we expect to be something more if we refuse to see, act, believe, attempt something more. If we act as a carnal man, we will remain a carnal man, higher functions will be all too far beyond our reach, but, if we were to rise above our expectations as a parasitic species, then perhaps we would attain a knowledge envied by the stars. Makes you think, doesn't it? And this is my peculiar philosophy in a tea cup.