Things Change

I would like to believe that for every death there is a new life. Today I found out that my sister is engaged to be married. Natasha Kubricky and JD McBride. Great Guy, I know he'll do his best to make her happy. It's so comforting to see that great things still happen every day. I'm still learning a lot about myself. I'm such an instinctive person that I will still do things without noticing I do them. I only sing when I'm happy, actually I should rephrase that, I only sing a lot when I'm happy. When a song I've known for years comes on, I can't help but sing along, but I only really sing when I'm happy. It's strange, but I have been with people that made me sing every two seconds, and I've been with people I thought I loved and never sang a note. Every day I miss NY, I dream about it, I think about it, I try not to talk about it, but I love it. I remember going back there this last summer and nearly crying when I landed in Vermont and saw all of those beautiful trees, the green enclosing the whole area round about. I used to think that High School love was ridiculous. I was right, it is, but I thought that it changed after that. It doesn't, college love is pretty ridiculous too. Alex told me a saying the other day that goes "Money spent on a girl before your mission is money spent on someone else's wife" It's so true. Is it good to give people chances? I realize that all I need is a chance, but doesn't that sound wrong? "Just give me a chance." Hmm, it sounds so needy and unlike me. I think I've grown up in a generation where no one is willing to work for anything. I was raised different from that, I knew from the beginning that if you want something you've got to work for it. I guess that's what I need to find, someone willing to work for something. I guess some people don't realize what they're saying when they say it. When a girl says she's "busy" what she means is she's too "busy" for you. When a girl says that she's more in love with the idea than love, that's the beginning of "so I'm not in love with you." They really treat us like we're stupid. Like we don't know what they're really saying. And when all is said and done they believe that an "I'm sorry" will make everything better. Apologies don't make the hurt go away. Maturity, it's ironic that this is the one thing that girls want when they're younger, and yet they withhold no maturity of their own. It seems that women want everything they aren't. I've lived in a life where if you want something you must also give it. Maybe that's asking too much, but I will never ask something of someone that I won't give myself. I just get really upset when people ask for things that they refuse to give themselves. Isn't that the same thing as hypocrisy? I surely don't know, but I'd like to think it is. I'm sitting here writing this blog and listening to horrible country gospel music wanting to break the speakers because of how painful it is, and yet, through all of this dischord, this disunity in my life, I feel like things aren't going to get much better. I have this horrible sinking feeling that I've been to where life gets as good as it gets and I've reached the pinnacle only to fall into a never ending spiral of dissatisfaction. The strangest thing of all is that I think I found out what I really want. Out of life, out of a relationship, out of a family, out of the world. I just want honesty, what I've always wanted and yet can't seem to get a hold of. I watched Once last night, and that Czech republic girl is very straight forward and burtally honest, and frankly I've never been so turned on in my entire life. Isn't it strange when honesty is a characteristic you have to look for? I believe that every relationship can work with pure honesty. No one wants to live in a world where they have to wonder if they really are loved. If you could hie to Kolob, would you still need my philosophy in a tea cup?