Making it

I've never had to trade one thing in my life for another. I guess I'm lucky that way, but it has come to a time where I may have to make that decision. Here are the thoughts running through my head. First of all, will it be worth it? I think that's a question we all ask ourselves when doing anything, but thinking about it more on the long term forever spectrum it's a little different. What if this means changing everything about yourself? What if it becomes a choice between who you are and who you should be? I struggle with myself daily on whether or not I'm a bad person or a good person that does bad things. It's a well known fact that no one should change who they are for someone else, but what if you are a bad person and they're the one thing that might make you good? The problem with this is obvious, what happens when the one you changed for is gone? The only thing you can truly rely on is yourself. Not in the depressing sad, lonely, way, but the constant, happy, friendly way. Trust yourself and the whole world will open up to you. Usually I write these blogs because by the time I'm done the answer comes to me and simply organizing my thoughts helps everything become clear, but it isn't clear. Not a single thought of wisdom is coming to my little head. I can only do what I've always done because it seems to work so far. I've got a lot of growing up to do. There are so many things I need to learn how to do. The oddest thing about me is that I know what is right, but not quite sure how to go about it. It's like knowing how to build a house, but you've built it in the middle of a river. You know very well how to make it, but it's foundation is extremely uneasy. And so my life is, knowing what to do, but not the right way to go about it. Perhaps it is only at this time, a fleeting moment in eternity, I'll see how I feel tomorrow and hopefully things will have improved. It's hard finding paradise but only seeing pictures from that point on. I've known so much before, but my banks have run dry and nothing seems to come to mind, quite literally. Until later, I wish the best of luck to everyone. And this is my adaptation philosophy in a tea cup

The warmest cold I've ever felt!

It's snowing, it's been snowing for the past few hours. Cars are sliding, people are freezing, and everything is slushy. I love it! I thought of making a snow angel today, but decided that if I fell into the snow it would be almost impossible to get back up. I've seen so many things and there isn't much that compares with laying in the freezing snow with someone you feel perfect around. That staring into the eyes, the unavoidable smiles, and the warmth that melts the snow beneath your back. It truly is a miracle that in such a time when everything is freezing, something survives. Much like a fireplace it is kept inside, deep in the heart, warming the house. Sometimes all it needs is a little extra wood to keep it burning. Winter is a time for imagination, where the world is covered in white so that you can make up your own idea of how you want life to be. Have you ever noticed we make things in winter? I made a snow man today, we decorated the Christmas tree, we built a snow fort, and made cookies and cocoa. Everything seems to be about making things in winter. Making happiness isn't excluded. I think that this time of the year is a good time to make the best of things. Make connections, make friends, make people feel good! I think we spend so much time looking at what's wrong with us that we don't see what we mean to everyone else. We spend our mornings looking in our mirror at what's wrong with us that we never close our eyes and see what kind of beauty we've been hiding inside. Sometimes we don't want to believe what's right in front of us because if it isn't truth it will hurt us in the deepest parts, but there comes a time to learn that although there are many lies in the world, the truths are worth the search. Remember that not everyone is like you, and despite how you feel about yourself, it is possible to love everything about someone. Let go of the petty faults of others and let their true beauty shine. Let your toes be cold, someone will come to warm them, keep your door open and someone will walk in, leave a light on and someone will be there when you're in darkness. Cherish every moment you have when you are with the ones you love, and when you don't like what you see, close your eyes and feel with your heart. I'm really at a loss today for words, I've little to say so I'll stop here until something comes back. And this is my warming philosophy in a tea cup.

I'll bury myself with it

I can't help but sometimes like a lie more than truth. I get a feeling that I'd be more happy hating someone for something they didn't do than hating someone and finding out they aren't as bad as I had hoped. Does that make me a bad person? Is it better to live in a happy lie than a miserable truth? What you don't know can't hurt you, but what you can find out will kill you. Often I would just like to believe that everyone is horrible, everyone is deceitful, and everyone has an ulterior motive. I want to believe that they did something wrong to me, that they're lying and I can't trust them, because it would pain me so much to know that they were telling the truth and I still resented them. I won't say that it isn't sad, to have to hate someone to forget about them, but it is helpful. Replacing emotions of sadness and loneliness with anger, frustration, even hatred. It might not be right, but it helps. How much more it hurts when you find out you've been blindly hating someone that has shown only loyalty to you. Perhaps it's better to never have known. Backstabbing, lying, betraying, things that every human has experienced at least once in their life, are emotions that are best returned in kind with distrust, resentment, and distance. Is it worth it to stay inside of your shell and be safe, but never experience life outside your tomb? All the things I've learned, I've felt, I've lived have made me into the person that I am, but am I a good person? The ignorant man who knows nothing of betrayal, kept safe in their mothers wing, know little of anger, of dejected feelings, or of loneliness, but does that make them happier? Not knowing of the world beyond? I don't know, and I think it's safe to say I may never know, but I will say that we are who we are meant to be, we will always be who we are, perhaps with slight variations, but from the time we were born to the moment we die, we will be the outline that was intended, and the choices we make decide whether we become the best versions of ourselves, or the devil himself. And that is my hidden philosophy in a tea cup.

Why me?

From the title I know what you're thinking, but it isn't like that. This "why me" is more like a "why not anyone else?" because I've been taught things I thought everyone knew but apparently didn't. I've been given what some people call gifted insight or discernment. I can tell how people are feeling, what they need to hear, and how to present it in a way that would be most accepted. But I always thought that everyone knew how to do this. I always believed that everyone knew how to make a girl smile, how to make a friend feel better, and how to make everyone around you smile. So here I am asking "why me?" Why can I do it? I often wonder if it were just something in my mind that gives me an understanding of what is really going on in someone's mind. There really is something in your brain that controls your empathy. It's the thing that makes you twitch when you see someone getting cut open, it's the thing that makes you hide when you watch a scary movie, it's empathy controlled through your thoughts. I just found out that mine is a little bigger than average. I could never be a doctor because I can't stand the sight of anything that might look painful to someone else. I can't stand fighting because I feel the anger that runs through people. But the strangest thing about all of this is, I can't cry. It's the most bizarre thing in the world. I am not capable of crying! Whenever I should cry during a sad movie, nothing comes. When something really close to me dies, I can't cry. When my mom is chopping onions, my eyes only burn like a fire and it hurts, but I can't cry. I used to cry all the time, when I was angry, when I was sad, when I was lonely, when I was overcome with emotions. I used to cry during songs, I used to cry during movies, I used to cry during books, but I can't anymore. I feel like I'm broken. I always wanted to be different, but the things I'm finding that really make me different are extremely obscure! Crying isn't the only thing that makes me different, there are so many things I thought were normal but turned out to be only me. Oh well, I'm happy now, I've met someone that makes me smile, makes me want to be a better person, makes me feel like all I have to do to fly is lift my feet off the ground. I won't put too much stock in a crashing market, but I will believe, and until the rains fall, I'll bask in the sun while it lasts. Maybe being different isn't what we're looking for. Maybe what we are really looking for is someone to notice us. And this is my being different philosophy in a tea cup.

Until I sink to the bottom

There's a song called "Going Missing" with lyrics "I sleep with my hands across my chest and I dream of you with someone else." One of my favorite songs and one of my favorite lyrical pieces I've heard. The truth is I feel that way so often, like sometimes it's just better to imagine someone you love with someone else and let them go find their own happiness. Dreams filled with happiness even if it isn't your own are still good dreams right? People have famous sayings such as, "You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet" or "Sacrifices must be made." Think about that as giving up the one thing you've ever really wanted and the ability to give it up for something more important. When I was a child I caught frogs, brought them home, and cared for them in one of my old fish tanks or jars. I thought the frogs were fascinating and although they seemed like my property I knew someday I would have to give them up. I don't see that much of a difference in the way we treat other people. Despite the fact that I have no comprehension of parenting it seems that you can only teach children what they need to know and let them go to make their own dreams, mistakes, and altogether choices. It's not something I like doing, letting people go, but it's absolutely necessary. I will however talk about something I do know about, letting lovers go.
I've met all types of people, skinny, fat, short, tall, ugly, beautiful, smart, stupid, kind, cruel, and they have all made something special of my life. I've met people I couldn't get away from, and some that I didn't want to get away from. But in all experience I have learned that no matter how much you care for someone, when the time comes you will have to let them go. It was single handed the hardest thing I've ever had to do and by no means rewarding, but over time I learned that it's not the easy thing, but the right thing. I've had to learn for myself that it's better to be alone and miserable, than with someone else that can't find happiness with you. I knew that I was capable of love when I gave up the one thing I wanted more than anything else to another. When the needs of the one you love far exceed yours, don't fret, you're on the way to true happiness. And although the storms rage and the winds blow and loneliness is the only thing you can call your own, remember that you've made the right choice and when all of this is over love can only build off of itself. And that's my letting go philosophy in a tea cup.

The greatest cure is one's self

Oh how things can changed and yet somehow remain the same. With people pouring out their emotions, plans, expectations, and relationships, I feel like I get to hear everything going on in everyone's life without even needing to ask. It could just be my cynical nature from growing up in a home where you're never really safe, but I just don't trust anyone anymore and the saddest part about that is I'm usually right. I just don't trust people anymore because it seems as though everyone has something to gain off of me, like securities are treasures I can't afford. Someone I once madly loved continually told me that I have too many insecurities, but it's hard not to when all your dreams have been criticized, when all your ambitions were seen as silly dreams, and all your emotions become weaknesses unappreciated. I just don't trust people. It's not that I don't want to trust people, but I do it so sparingly that when I actually let myself go I ALWAYS end up getting hurt. Some may say that this is an over exaggeration, but I know when I'm over exaggerating and this is not one of those moments. I believe that we all want some kind of safety, some kind of assurance that some things will stay, to protect you, to make you feel safe. Like a warm embrace on a cold winter evening, like a packed lunch on your way to school, like a bright smile coming from someone you love, you just need something to know that everything will end alright. I think that my one Christmas wish this year is to have that comfort, the comfort that I should've had for years, the comfort that comes with consistency, not spur of the moment self gratitude that so often gets shared. I'm having a hard time deciding if it's even worth being comforted for a short period of time if the only result always leaves you alone and neglected. I think this is why you date, why you get married, and why you grow old together, because there comes a time when you need someone you can count on, someone that's there for you, whether you're fat, bald, wrinkly, or perfectly beautiful, a constant. And to go along with that, perhaps that's the reason for divorce, for breaking up, because people don't feel safe anymore, and although those words don't come to mind, something inside of you is telling you that you've lost something extremely important. Can you feel safe with the person you're with? My toes are frozen and there's nothing I'd like more on this earth than to have someone to cuddle, drink hot cocoa, watch a movie, and fall asleep with. Maybe in that beautiful future that someone else has planned out for me... Until then, this is my comfort philosophy in a tea cup

For the better

Sometimes, I feel forgotten, like the whole world would do just fine without me. It's a feeling I know very well, the feeling that if you didn't open your mouth and scream people wouldn't notice you were there in the first place. I don't want to be forgotten, I don't want to be a fleeting moment that was Conrad. I think this is something that we can all relate to. It feels so good just to know you're on someone's mind, that someone is constantly thinking about you, but it's so painful to know that in fact no one is thinking about you, that you've become a convenience of someone else's time. Maybe I'm being overdramatic, or maybe I'm saying exactly what everyone is thinking. I wish I knew. Sometimes I wonder just how much my life is worth. I wonder if I've made any real difference on this earth in the short time I've been on it. Then again, maybe it's a good thing, being forgotten, you no longer have attachments, no one is expecting anything from you, and starting over is easy when you never started in the first place. What have I done? All I've done is wasted so much time doing things that were of no consequence to anyone, nothing I've done couldn't have been done by someone else. Indisposable, we all want to be indisposable, something that becomes necessary in someone else's life just so we can say that someone in fact needs us. It feels so good to be needed, despite how selfish that sounds. Who's to say we can't be selfish? Perhaps we deserve a time to ourselves where we think about what we want, what we need, what we deserve. Sometimes I can find myself staring at the ceiling for hours with only my thoughts to converse with. Maybe it's the good thing, the right thing, the decent thing, to let people forget you. There are people I wish I could forget, people that I loved, people that I hated, people that betrayed me, people that I trusted, what a world to be able to run from your memories and hide in the deepest corner of your mind. Would you really? " 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Is that true? I wouldn't know, I've never been able to ask myself just how it felt to be ignorant, to never love someone. Children are happy, somehow going day to day completely ignorant of the trials that face them they are happy, isn't life the same way? If I never fell in love with her it wouldn't hurt so much, it wouldn't feel like everytime I saw something that reminded me of her a pufferfish were living in my heart, exdpanding and sending sharp pains of emotion through every vein in my body. I'll never wonder what if with her, I knew all the what ifs, except "what if she stayed." That is a what if I refuse to entertain, and what if she came back? Would I be strong enough to say no? Would I be strong enough to keep my heart cold and bitter and not allow another attempt at my castle wall I've hidden so fondly in? Let it go, that's what they tell me, but you can't let something go when it has become a part of you. Screw you Shakespeare. And this is my memory philosophy in a tea cup.