For the better

Sometimes, I feel forgotten, like the whole world would do just fine without me. It's a feeling I know very well, the feeling that if you didn't open your mouth and scream people wouldn't notice you were there in the first place. I don't want to be forgotten, I don't want to be a fleeting moment that was Conrad. I think this is something that we can all relate to. It feels so good just to know you're on someone's mind, that someone is constantly thinking about you, but it's so painful to know that in fact no one is thinking about you, that you've become a convenience of someone else's time. Maybe I'm being overdramatic, or maybe I'm saying exactly what everyone is thinking. I wish I knew. Sometimes I wonder just how much my life is worth. I wonder if I've made any real difference on this earth in the short time I've been on it. Then again, maybe it's a good thing, being forgotten, you no longer have attachments, no one is expecting anything from you, and starting over is easy when you never started in the first place. What have I done? All I've done is wasted so much time doing things that were of no consequence to anyone, nothing I've done couldn't have been done by someone else. Indisposable, we all want to be indisposable, something that becomes necessary in someone else's life just so we can say that someone in fact needs us. It feels so good to be needed, despite how selfish that sounds. Who's to say we can't be selfish? Perhaps we deserve a time to ourselves where we think about what we want, what we need, what we deserve. Sometimes I can find myself staring at the ceiling for hours with only my thoughts to converse with. Maybe it's the good thing, the right thing, the decent thing, to let people forget you. There are people I wish I could forget, people that I loved, people that I hated, people that betrayed me, people that I trusted, what a world to be able to run from your memories and hide in the deepest corner of your mind. Would you really? " 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Is that true? I wouldn't know, I've never been able to ask myself just how it felt to be ignorant, to never love someone. Children are happy, somehow going day to day completely ignorant of the trials that face them they are happy, isn't life the same way? If I never fell in love with her it wouldn't hurt so much, it wouldn't feel like everytime I saw something that reminded me of her a pufferfish were living in my heart, exdpanding and sending sharp pains of emotion through every vein in my body. I'll never wonder what if with her, I knew all the what ifs, except "what if she stayed." That is a what if I refuse to entertain, and what if she came back? Would I be strong enough to say no? Would I be strong enough to keep my heart cold and bitter and not allow another attempt at my castle wall I've hidden so fondly in? Let it go, that's what they tell me, but you can't let something go when it has become a part of you. Screw you Shakespeare. And this is my memory philosophy in a tea cup.