You never knew

I sit here today, in all of my glory, scared to death with nothing to do. I stand here to let you all know that I've never been so scared in my entire life. My entire existence right now hangs in the balance. The events of these next few weeks will determine my entire life and there's nothing I can do. The pieces have been set into motion and I have made my choices and now I wait in terror for the events to unfold. What can I do? I say a prayer now, because that is all I can do. Pray, pray that I make it through this the better, pray that I am able to take the path that I wanted, pray that I never ruin my life again. When did things become so important? When did the decisions I make suddenly cause my whole world to change? The executioner hangs over my head and whispers in my ear "It's time to grow up." So here I stand with a noose around my neck and everything is left to the judges and my life has become another trinket of unimportance to the fates. For once in my life I have no certainty in the things to come. But it seems that I've jumped off a cliff and cut my own rope. Now here I am, making a pact with the universe, here I am telling the void that I didn't want this, and that I am trying to bargain with destiny. I will not make the same mistake twice. I will persevere, I will become what I should have been, and now I will whisper back to the executioner "I have, and I'm ready to walk away. I pray we never meet in these circumstances again." Perhaps he will laugh and the noose will loose. Or perhaps he will laugh and the floor will drop. Whatever happens, I will always look back on these days and remember that these were the days that I suffered hell, that the hangman's breath was near, that the smell from his breath was of tears, of mourning, of death, and it will forever hang in my mind like the clouds before a certain storm. Forever I will feel the torture of my soul close at hand, and pray that the angel of darkness never draws near again. And this is my poisoned philosophy in a tea cup. Heaven help me

Only those that have something to hide

All we are is sleepwalkin'. I've seen it happen, people that aren't even fully awake taking on a days work of labor, love, emotion, and thinking. They don't seem to open their eyes for anything, life is just a dream that they pray someday they'll wake up from. I also learned something today that I didn't originally believe was true, but here it is. People don't REALLY change. I mean their core stays the same, people can become better and people can improve their lives, but a person that has ill intentions at heart will always have ill intentions at heart. But let me bring up another thought, people that were good at heart will always be good at heart. Sometimes we fall down a path that we never wanted to be a part of and everything seems to go downhill. We resent those close to us, we rebel from our long time friends, and we want to be something we aren't just so that we can tell the world that we've changed our fate. It's a wolf in sheep's clothing, or a sheep in wolf's clothing. I was told today that I was too open, that I wasn't in the least bit mysterious. I believe it, I'm an open book, I keep my mind on my sleeve and sometimes it even falls off. I think it's a sign of honesty. They say that withholding the truth is the same as lying, so therefore I let everyone know what I think as a gesture to be honest. I think the world might be a better place if more people were like that. No more games, no more secrets, no more guessing, you would know what was wrong and how to fix it. The problem with this is that some people like games, some people like secrets, and some people like to make others guess. I think that the best trait to define this is selfishness. Most people don't realize it, but keeping to yourself is in a way selfish. Selfish by definition means; concerned chiefly or only with yourself and your advantage to the exclusion of others. Isn't that what secrets are? Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's good to have secrets, but I'm not one to test the boiling waters. However, to safeguard myself, I admit that I do not tell everyone everything, because there are things in this world that I either feel aren't necessary for someone to know, or it will only make them worry, and I hate when people worry. I've used this analogy before, but it's like a child trying to comprehend Picasso. Yes, it may look pretty with all of it's shiny colors, but to gain a full appreciation, you would have to have an open mind, an understanding heart, and a broken soul. I do the things I do to protect those that I love and care for. Does that make me a hero? Or a Wolf in sheep's clothing? That's my opened philosophy in a tea cup.

Thanks, that was fun

I guess sometimes you're too late. It's strange that I've reached a point in my life where I have to watch out for hitting on people that are MARRIED. I guess it's like I've always said, only time will tell. I've noticed something else as well. I look at the old messages I had sent people, I've changed so much, maybe not for the better, but I've changed. Enemies become friends and friends become enemies. I know I've done some people wrong because somehow when I read the conversations I've had with people, things change. What we talk about, how we flirt, what philosophies we share. I realize that I've screwed things up, a lot. I made promise I didn't keep, I said I was going to be a better friend and in fact became their worst enemy. I don't think I like who I've turned into, it's strange but I've said this several times, it's just like my seasons, I don't like who I am sometimes. I spend so much time finding out who I am only to be disappointed by myself. I'm over it now, but I seem to have strayed down a path that I never wanted to be a part of, and I'm doing the worst thing I could do. I'm being ok with it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, DO NOT CHANGE FOR PEOPLE, but if you find yourself caught in the tide that you never wanted to be a part of, GET OUT! We've all made mistakes and we have the RIGHT to fix them. I will say though, that every detour you take, every mistake you're ashamed of, you can still head back to the path you want. But make SURE that YOU want it.
Speaking of which, what is it with me and wanting what I can't have? I don't mean that because I can't have it I want it, I mean I want something and then suddenly it becomes unavailable after I've wanted it. I guess I should just stop wanting things huh? But I've learned to deal with my issues through sarcasm, humor, and activity. I've lost all interest in finding what "turns people on" and I've learned that the only acceptable society is one's self. Perhaps we may not fit the mold our parents asked us to, perhaps we aren't the norm that the world has created, and we probably aren't the obedient children of those revolutions we should be, but one thing is for sure, we've become ourselves. The boisterous generation that lets everyone know what we are thinking, or at least what everyone else is thinking. But considering this loud world we live in I would like to shout out to the souls that got lost. To the voices that are just as important, if not more important than the loud and overbearing voices, I say this, We know you are there, we know that although you have a hard time being outspoken and speaking your mind, you are still very dear to us. Some people aren't blessed with the ability to say what they're thinking, to join the chorus of the shouting rebels, and to you I show my sympathy. They say that the meek inherit the earth, I find that the meek hold the earth together. Maybe you aren't the ones setting fire to the rules of yesteryear, maybe you aren't the ones making the speeches at graduations, conference halls, and churches. But we know that you're there, and 50% of everything we say, we say because of you. We've seen your deeds, and although you may be the shy girl in the back corner giving everyone their limelight, or the guy in the back that doesn't believe his opinion is worth mentioning, we know you, we respect you, and I need you. So in all of my ranting and false eloquence of speech, I would like to let you know that although you cannot put your words down on paper, or type them for the world to see, I know that you have them, that you have emotions that are dying to get out. Emotions that you are afraid of, that you feel might not be acceptable or up to par with everyone else. Do NOT change who you are, we need you. You're the fabric that holds our rambunctious world together. And I thank you. I hope you know the sincerity of my Philosophy in a Tea Cup

You said you wanted revolution

Why do we demand change? What is it that makes us think that we need to change the world, save it, conserve it, change it to make it better? If I were God I would frankly be a little upset, like someone saying that starry night is pretty and all, but it needs some modifications to fit my needs. This place is beautiful, just look around, all the intricate details, the attention that even we humans have, the ripples of water, the rips and marks in a tree, all these things that were so beautiful and yet we have to change it. We think we NEED to change it. Every part of life has changed from how it was. We've almost even changed the rules, what we need to live has changed, what we need to be happy has changed, what we need to love has changed. Things have strayed so far from formula, it's no wonder so few people are happy now. I would like to take this opportunity to ask people to try and change the world. It isn't hard really, so long as there is enough of us. It can't be done alone and it needs a lot of participation. All that one has to do is make the right thing cool. Make taking walks on the mountains cool, make swimming in the lake cool, make climbing a tree cool, make the simple things that make this world so wonderful something to be enjoyed. I use the story of the three vinegar tasters. If you don't know this story look it up, or read "The Tao of Pooh" an amazing book by Benjamin Hoff. People in our generation would like to believe that everything is bad, but it's going to get better, that happiness is something that comes when you reach the pinnacle of your life and that everything on this planet is a waste of time until you've reached a high level of happiness. "I'll be happy when I'm out of college. I'll be happy when I'm married. I'll be happy when I have a better job. I'll be happy when I have a house." All of these "I'll be happy when..." Statements are absolutely FALSE. You can be happy now when you LET yourself become happy! Stop looking for the impossible and become happy with the possible! You'll find that when you stop looking for what isn't going to come, you just might find what you were looking for all the time. I know this may sound strange, but I'm asking you to lower your standards, at least in some areas. ALWAYS look for someone that makes you feel happy, someone that doesn't hurt you, but DO NOT keep looking for someone that "turns you on" or "pushes the right buttons." These are NOT noble goals! When you look at a tree, you think to yourself, "this is a good tree" not "well this tree could be a little more straight and a little more brown with not so many leaves." Stop trying to fix people and learn to accept the beauty that they already have! And if you don't like trees then DON'T SETTLE ON A TREE! Just because you have the best of SOME area, doesn't mean it's the area you're looking for. Having the most beautiful flower won't mean anything if you DON'T LIKE FLOWERS! I personally would rather have the smallest lake than the biggest ocean. Know what you're looking for and stop falling in love with someone else's best. No longer using metaphors, I would say this, Don't fall in love with the greatest jock/cheerleader if you're into artists! There is nothing wrong with liking the jock/cheerleader and there's nothing amazing about the artists, BUT!! If you're given the opportunity between the greatest of one and the least of the other, CHOOSE THE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO BE WITH! Not the one that everyone else will be envious of. In the end I PROMISE that things will work out better. I'm not telling you to marry a project, in fact, QUITE the opposite, be with someone that you know you won't have to fix. But remember, Sometimes the greatest flowers tend to bloom a little later. This is my initial philosophy in a tea cup.

An uncalmed breeze

How ridiculous. This is just another reflection of my life through nature. Beautiful spring day, sunny walks and cool breezes, SHATTERED by the return of my arch nemesis snow. I feel like punching mother nature in the face. But that seems to be a recurring theme in my life that I reflect on. Things are sunny and wonderful one second, and freezing and damp the next. They say that you should learn to dance in the rain, but I think the beauty of this life is that we have a choice. Why would you ever settle for something when you know you can have something better? I think living within your means is extremely important, but I also believe that decisions are what make us human, the God given right to choose. So why would I try and find the value of snow when I can stay inside, be warm, and dream of nice summers gone by? I think just like nature, I have seasons. Seasons where I want to be nothing but a good person, seasons where I want nothing but love, seasons where I want nothing at all, and seasons where I feel pure evil. I think I'm in an evil season right now. I encourage people to do things that probably aren't the best ideas, I find myself disgustingly lustful, and the worst part about it is that I'm almost happy about it. It's a sad fact, but I'm dealing with it. If I were to see a psychologist, I would probably be diagnosed with schizophrenia, just because I KNOW what I should do, but I don't always do it, I'm horrified by my evil side, and yet I love it so much. World beware, I'm feeling dangerous. But on the other hand, just like the inconvenient snow today, there are times in my seasons where there are weather changes that don't belong. Sometimes when I'm feeling like a good person, I want to do something evil, sometimes when I'm feeling evil I'll want to do something good. Sometimes when I'm in a social mood I will just want to be left alone, and sometimes when I feel all alone I'll want someone to be there to tell me that I'm not crazy. I shout a warning, and only the silence can hear it. I feel so heavy these days, like so many burdens I've placed on myself are starting to catch up with me, like the past I thought I had left behind is catching up with me at an alarming speed. What memories I though I had forgot, in time they curse, and all was naught. If I could waste a wish right now, it would be that my soul could leave my body, I could float freely and have nothing tying me down, go where I want to go, be where I want to be, and if I wanted, I could do nothing but sit and think. No one holding an opinion of me, no one thinking I am or am not something, no one finding me attractive, no one finding me atrocious, I would simply be. And this is my separated philosophy in a tea cup.

Back to basics

There is something so thrilling about swing dance. I really couldn't put my finger on it, but I just got done doing it for a little over two hours straight. I've gotten a lot more endurance too, I can swing that long and it really makes me impressed with myself. That isn't really hard, but I will take what I can get. Today I would like to talk about always learning something new. Life can be so much fun when you have ridiculous hobbies like repelling, origami, knitting, or in my case swing. I've always had so much fun doing swing and it has become the drug that I live for. Tonight was the first night that I was actually able to do real swing. I didn't know any of the real steps that went along with swing so I would originally just command my partner to do whatever I felt like doing. I relate this to the rest of life. It's wonderful to know all the great and complicated things that this world has to offer, but until you understand the basics, everything else losing meaning. It's so easy to want to do something amazing right off the bat, but when you learn the basic rules, everything falls into place. Whenever you find yourself confused with life, just look back and see what rules you were following and which ones you chose to ignore. They say that you can't live if you don't learn how to breath. It's what I would call the beauty of life, that the simplest things give us the most advantage. As fun as it is to impress others with your amazing advancements and stun them with how much you think you know, when you don't understand the basics everything else is, as a good friend once told me, colored bubbles. People work the same way. You can know someone's favorite place to eat, you can know someone's favorite color, you can know someone's hobbies, you can know someone's talents, but until you know why, you've got nothing but a bunch of words strung together to make a mural without a brush. Remember that basics are always the most important. Until you know the basics of others, the basics of yourself, and the basics of love, you will never know eternity. Forever loved will become a fantasy. And that is my basic philosophy in a tea cup.

You'd think so

Days seem to pass like the latest high school trends. Hammer pants, Acid wash jeans, mohawks, Spiked Hair, it's all just a passing fad. You take a look at yourself and what you looked like even five years ago and usually can't help but laugh. Now I have to ask the question. Were you happy then? I ask this because I was looking through my endless amounts of myspace and facebook pictures and saw one picture. I was smiling, she was smiling, and someone left a comment that read, "you two look so cute and so happy." I'd like to think I was happy. Pictures have a way of bringing back so many memories, one picture can recall an entire lifetime of relationships, friendships, vacations, and accomplishments. So when I look at the pictures taken of me now and I view them again, what will I say when I am asked "were you happy?" I don't know the answer to this so don't expect one. I know it's strange, but I believe it is possible to be happy or unhappy and not even know it. They say it's a choice to be happy. I believe that it is a choice to decide whether or not you WERE happy. There's always a big picture we didn't see before, a grand scheme made from Gods for man. How could we ever sum up our lives into words like happy, sad, successful, or unaccomplished. Lives are works of art, endlessly being built one upon the other, a vast array of colors and bases that would need a pallate beyond words to illustrate. I would think that this is the reason we smile in pictures. We smile to remember that we were happy, that happiness was just the action of opening our mouths and letting out an emotion that everyone could relate to. I would like to say, however, that we can tell when we faked it. We know when we look at a picture and our smile could be as warm as the sun, and yet the picture feels cold and empty. Is it something in the eyes? Something in the face as a whole? I couldn't tell you, but we've all seen it. That is when we can ask "I wasn't happy was I?" Because to truly smile, to have a smile that is sincere and heartfelt, you have to have a reason to smile, a thought that MAKES you smile. Without it, a smile becomes a cheap product with low production value. I stated before how we choose what we're worth, and this is where we make that choice. Faking happiness doesn't make anyone happy. The Bible says, "Mourn with those who mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort." There are some things in the Bible that every creed can identify with. But I don't ever recall any book of value saying "Lie to others when you're sad so that they can feel better, Push everyone away because you're having a bad day and no one understands you." That isn't how we as humans were designed. That's right, we as humans have a design, an outline to how we as everyday humans can feel happy and safe. The people that you see smiling from sun up to sun down have found that design, they smile from their head to their toes and out through the heart, you know what I'm talking about because you've seen it. Often times thoughts come into your head such as "Well what makes him so happy?" In the end, the answer is, he still has that happy thought, that memory that carries him from day to day. It's not because he has the biggest house, it's not because he has the greatest car, it's not because he's won the lottery, it's because he's fighting. He is constantly fighting to hold on to that one brief moment that made the everything ok. That one memory where he digs deep into his mind, and says with whole hearted assurance that He Was Happy! And he's holding on to that memory, holding on for dear life, not letting it go for a second. I admit that it's easier for people that have many happy memories, but I will also tell you that it is so much easier to hold on to your happy memories when you let go of your sad ones. Life will keep happening, whether you let it or not, so why not make it happen with you in it? And that is my smiling philosophy in a tea cup.