Retributions, my own hallelujah

Sometimes I think to myself whether or not life would be easier as an animal. Some nice cute animal that everyone loves and seldom gets eaten. Live day to day with one goal in mind, surviving. No real accomplishments, no real expectations, no real family, no real job, just multiply and stay alive. No I don't think this life would suit me, but it would undoubtedly be easier. It's really strange, when I talk to a certain person I always smile. I didn't do that with anyone before her, of course I've already screwed this up beyond belief, but for some reason I'll always be attracted to her. She doesn't as me for advice, she always makes me laugh, she's extremely ok with my stupidity and she makes me smile every time. I haven't even kissed this girl which could in fact be the reason that I've always liked her. She's pure, smart, funny, dedicated to religion, and knows how to have fun without having to do anything. Life would be simple with her. She may not be the one, and probably isn't the one, but I believe I need more people like her in my life. People that can take me from the worst day of the year and turn it into the sunshine floating high and fly. Even now I smile just thinking about her. No wonder I was in love with her, she made me smile. Consistently happy, however when she broke my heart, it really hurt, a pain that I've known several times since, but never so bad. It seems that I've grown immunities to hurting that much, I find ways to hate them, to protect myself from others around. I've been made a promise, a promise that can't be broken. Of course this promise is two sided, but I've been made this promise none the less. If I do the right thing I will end up with the right person. What a comfort this gives me, I know that I have no time for love affairs at this point in my life, but it comforts me to know that I will find what I'm looking for when the time is right. I can't say that I've really looked for her either, I've been misguided, maybe confused, but I know that I was never looking for her. Sometimes things just happen, out of sheer coincidence. Yes, she made me happy, she made me really happy. I always felt so good around her, like the whole world could just fade away and die and so long as she was my friend the whole world had purpose. She was a good friend. I was not. I need to be that now more than ever. I need to be a good friend and I need to remember what really counts in this life. Retribution, become the greatest version of yourself you can become. Loving yourself is the first step to loving others, but loving others is the first step to becoming who you should be. Life was never easy. No one could even tell you why, but the simplest actions down the simple words "I'm sorry" become the greatest chore a man can be faced with. There's something deeper than this earth. A power that drives us, that becomes us, a feeling, a notion, that we are all something greater, something amazing. Sometimes we are afraid to find out what that is. Perhaps it's a fear of having to BE something greater. I need something that will force me to be something greater. I have friends, friends really are something fantastic, but they are there for you when you need them to be around, not when you need them to lift you up. There's someone out there for that exact reason, to show us who we should be, who we could be. I suppose that when someone says "we've fallen out of love" What they mean is that they are no longer motivated and no longer have a purpose to stay with someone that doesn't motivate them. Falling out of love is an admission that you are no longer willing to work through anything. So long as two people are motivated by the same goal, be it God, Love, Happiness, any relationship can work. Once one of them loses sight of that goal it seems like all things are lost and meaningless. So let's all just carry on with what we're doing, keep looking for the things that drive you, and always remember that everything you do is determined by what you've done. This would be my healing philosophy in a tea cup.