I'm so selfish I'd give for you to belong to me

There will always be beauty in the things we miss. I suppose that would be why we miss them. But I would like to consider the fact that the more beautiful something is the more painful it becomes. I think I've allowed myself to get too attached to some things and it is really making my life harder to get on with. I think I've finally come to realize just why we were stripped of our memories of what happened before we came here. Perhaps it would have been too hard. Too hard to live in a life knowing that we were once surrounded by beauty at every turn and were now condemned to a world where beauty had to be sought after. I've also grown to consider that something that grows in beauty may make you desire it even more. Just the other day I found out that my first real girlfriend is engaged, that my most recent love interest is still treating emotions like a game of musical chairs and I just so happened to be the one who lost the chair, the girl I fell hardest for remains insincere, and my first real love affair is coming out for a weekend somewhere down the road. It's been a bizarre series of events and needless to say I'm tragically confused! If I were to be completely honest I would say that I'm upset because all the girls I've liked have turned out to be so amazingly beautiful and yet so amazingly out of reach. The most painful kind of missing has struck me over and over again. I ask myself if it was worth it. I like to think that it was. I'm sure that I am today who I am because of all of the relationship flops and dead ends. I know that I'm killing myself by asking what if, but I'm still thinking it. Like I've said a million times before, I wouldn't change anything if I could, but is there an alternate universe where I DIDN'T screw everything up? Where I kept at least ONE of the girls I cared for. Frankly this is all theory and conjecture, I don't really care. What happened has happened and I'm finding reasons to be happy that it did. I know I haven't found what I'm looking for because so many things that were important to me weren't captured in an entire person. However, from this point on I will know what I'm looking for. Maybe just at this point, but I feel like I need someone that cares, that finds meaning in things, someone that can take care of themselves if I'm not around, someone that's loyal, that finds meaning in even the smallest of things, someone that's in control of their life, someone that is religious, that loves God, someone that is not afraid to be themselves in ANY situation, someone that is ok with who I am. At this point I realize that this is asking too much, but why can't a guy dream? It certainly is a great dream huh? Well this is my beautiful philosophy in a tea cup